


don't go without me

by Ingu



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Injury Recovery, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mutual Pining, Team as Family, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:21:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 31,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24093505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ingu/pseuds/Ingu
Summary: There was a snap, and a crack, and Buck was suddenly weightless. The car, the tree, Eddie, everything was falling.Buck was falling.Falling.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 187
Kudos: 1164





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [Title changed from 'the road that has no end' as of May 17th 2020]
> 
> So these two boys seem to have consumed my brain? My Supernatural background might be showing but I really miss h/c where both halves of a pair get into a bad situation and have to help each other stay alive until help arrives. This fandom has a lot of beautiful h/c but I haven’t yet encountered anything that scratches this specific itch, so here is my attempt to address this.
> 
> I find there's nothing quite like attempting an h/c fic to remind me of exactly how much medical training I don’t have. Everything you’re about to read comes from a mixture of the show itself, years of h/c consumption, wikipedia, and good old googling. My apologies in advance to any industry professionals about to give this a chance. I personally like to pretend everything is simply part of tvland/AU emergency protocols and biology, or in some cases exaggerated for the sake of fictional drama. 
> 
> All that being said. I hope you enjoy this unbeta-ed chaos.
> 
> Title borrowed from [C'est la Mort](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z50k367WgPs) by The Civil Wars.

It had been nearly two days since another earthquake had shook the Greater Los Angeles area, and Buck was nearing his breaking point.

It was nothing as awful as the quake from a few years ago, arguably just a light tremor compared to the 7.1 they’d all experienced. Someone had shouted the exact number rating at Buck maybe ten or twelve hours ago, but the detail had long since slipped through his memory. The tremor had been more than enough to cause a few dozen traffic accidents and collapses and for the entire day, they had been going non-stop from crisis to crisis. By their third building collapse call, it was clear that structural damage caused by the previous natural disasters had been ignored or brushed over by shady building owners and slack enforcement. It was an all hands on deck unless you physically couldn’t continue sort of situation. Buck’s already lengthy shift had easily gone into overtime, and he had managed maybe four hours of shut-eye in the last 48 hours.

That was the only reason, or so he told himself, that he had all but melted into Eddie, who was warm and solid next to him in the firetruck as they sped through the night toward the next emergency, sirens blaring over the rain.

“I think you boys should probably go home after this one,” Bobby’s voice crackled over the headset. 

Buck, eyes closed, head on Eddie’s shoulder, mumbled a ‘thanks Bobby’ that was barely coherent and completely inaudible. 

“I’m fine,” Eddie said above him, his head snapping up from where it was resting against Buck’s, though he sounded only half-awake. “We’ll be alright, Bobby.”

“I don’t know about Buck,” Hen said. “Boy looks like he’s asleep.”

Hen wasn’t the one forcing open warped metal, climbing ladders, and lifting blocks of concrete left-right-and-center, Buck thought absently. Someone was shoving something cold at him. Buck furrowed his brows in annoyance, then cracked open an eye to find Eddie waving a water bottle in his face.

“Drink up,” Eddie said. “You need to stay hydrated.”

Buck stiffly sat back up, and took the bottle from Eddie’s hand. He brought it to his lips and took a sip, then realized he was absolutely parched. He gulped down the bottle, relishing the cold liquid, and was barely finished before Eddie was shoving something else in his face again. Buck lowered the bottle to find himself staring at a granola bar.

Buck took the package and stared blankly at it until Eddie yanked it out of his fingers, ripped open the wrapping, and handed it back again. Buck robotically began to eat, swaying with the truck as it wound through mountain roads.

“You guys are adorable,” it was Chimney this time, and Buck found the energy to give him the finger, which earned him a bark of laughter.

The water and the food did bring a little bit of life back to Buck, however. Or maybe it was the few minutes (seconds?) that he’d spent passed-out on Eddie’s shoulder.

“I could kill for a hot shower after this,” Eddie mumbled, as he stared outside into the bucketing rain.

A hot shower sounded amazing, and Buck reeled himself back from the brink as his mind started to offer up images of a shower with Eddie in it. Buck was already dreading having to go back out into the storm. He was still dripping from the last call, despite his protective gear and the wet towels discarded at his feet.

“What’s our ETA, Cap?” Buck said.

“Three minutes, get yourselves ready”

Even without an earthquake to precede it, storms by themselves were bad news, with reduced visibility and slippery roads. According to dispatch, it seemed like a car had swerved and gone over the road into a ravine after a near miss with another vehicle. It had been called in by the driver of the second vehicle less than ten minutes ago. And the 118 was the unlucky crew who was closest to the site.

Buck took the chance to stretch out his limbs, and work the stiffness from his neck and shoulders as much as possible. It was probably going to be a rope rescue, and Buck still found himself just a little bit excited at the prospect of putting on the abseiling gear.

“Attention Ladder 118." Their radios crackled to life.

“This is Captain 118,” Bobby said. “What’s the situation?”

“We have just been advised that a further incident has occurred at the site involving a third vehicle. Additional units are en route to assist.”

“Great,” Chimney sighed. 

Buck felt the others tense around them as Bobby started asking for more details. Buck’s fingers closed around his helmet, and he put it back on his head, tightening the straps.

Before long, they pulled up to the crash site, and the full circumstances became clear as the truck’s lights swept across the scene. A dark sedan had been parked on the road, next to a stretch of broken guardrail where the first car had presumably gone over. The third car, a silver pick-up truck, must have neither seen nor expected the parked sedan, and had rear ended it at full speed. Broken glass glittered across the asphalt, and the sedan was now half-hanging off the cliff, its balance looking more precarious by the second.

“Holy shit,” Buck breathed, starting to unclip his seat-belt as they slowed to a stop. 

“Didn’t the dispatcher tell him not to park on the road?” Hen said.

“Guy probably hung up,” Chimney replied, reaching for the door handle.

Beside Buck, Eddie was already pushing the opposite door open and hopping out into the rain. Buck followed, boots landing with a splash in mud. The rain and wind hit him full force and he fought back a shiver. Around them, people were already starting to set up a perimeter with cones and lights.

“Hen, Chim, check on the truck driver,” Bobby said. “Eddie, sedan. Buck, see if you can get eyes on the fallen vehicle."

Buck nodded, and the team quickly scattered to assess the situation.

  
  


-

  
  


From the cliff edge and behind the guardrail, Buck shone his handheld spotlight down into the ravine, squinting as the wind blew rain into his eyes. The ravine was not the deepest he’d ever seen, but still went at least about a hundred feet down before it met the canopy. There was no damage to any trees that he could see, and Buck moved his light back toward the cliff wall as other beams of light joined him in the search. Then, a flash of blue as the wreck abruptly came into view, a small sedan about sixty feet straight down, flipped and caught diagonally on an outcropping.

“Cap! Found ‘em!” Buck shouted, turning to look for Bobby and finding him and Eddie standing together, turned toward Buck with matching looks of relief. Other roving lights swerved and centered on the vehicle, and Buck dashed from the cliff’s edge to Bobby’s side.

“Driver’s stable!” Chim’s voice rose from the truck as Buck approached the pair. “But we have a serious head injury and what looks like a broken leg and a grade three concussion. Need to get him to the hospital asap.”

“Okay, get him out of there,” Bobby replied. “We’re going to tow the cars from the edge and then the two of you are going down there.” He nodded toward Eddie and Buck.

Eddie nodded an affirmative, and turned away to help the others prepare.

“Should we really wait?” Buck said, quickly relaying the details of what he found as he followed after Bobby toward the firetruck. “It looks bad down there, Bobby.”

“And it’ll be worse if that sedan falls on top of the car,” Bobby replied, reaching to pull open the storage compartment. “We can’t safely get to the driver with it hanging off the edge like that, and we need both those cars out of the way before we can get down there.”

Right, of course. Buck nodded. He should have known better than to doubt Bobby. "I'll go help Eddie!”

He was off before Bobby could say another word, making a beeline for Eddie who was bent near the back of the sedan, talking to the driver inside. The car’s rear was almost two feet off the ground, metal and rubber glistening in the rain.

“Listen, Mary,” Eddie raised his voice to be heard over the rain and noise. “We’re going to tow your car back up, alright?”

“Oh God please hurry!” came a hysterical female voice. “I don’t want to die!” As though to drive home her fear, the car creaked ominously, and wobbled as a gust of wind swept around them. 

Buck skidded to a stop at Eddie’s side, and Eddie turned toward him with a side-glance that told him the driver was doing completely fine, even if the car was not. 

“You’ll be fine Mary, just sit tight, and don’t move,” Eddie said. He glanced at Buck and tilted his head toward Bobby, who was approaching rapidly as he unrolled the towing chain from the truck.

Buck nodded and grabbed the end of the chain from Bobby, before bending down beside Eddie. The space between the two cars and the ground was narrow, but he could fit if he was careful. Seeing Buck move in, Eddie caught his eyes and pointed down at a point below the sedan’s rear bumper. 

Trusting Eddie to have already found the best spot, Buck carefully slipped beneath the teetering car, doing his best to avoid the broken glass. He had to do this right, because Buck had the feeling that at this point, a gentle tap could send the car toppling over the edge. It wasn’t something he could say out loud, but he was sort of glad that Eddie had to stay and keep the driver calm. At least this way if the car came down the wrong way, Buck would be the one getting crushed and Eddie would be out of harm’s way.

“I know you’re scared, Mary, but we’re going to get you out.” Eddie said as he focused on Buck’s every move, looking ready to dive in at a second’s notice. “We’re securing your car to the truck right now, okay?”

“Okay, okay, okay…” the woman murmured.

“Take deep breaths, everything is going to be fine.”

Pinpointing the spot Eddie had identified, Buck looked toward Eddie. Eddie, meeting his gaze, took a few steps back, and then nodded.

Buck turned his attention back to the car, grimacing as it teetered away from him, then back again. Gritting his teeth against the mounting claustrophobia, he reached forward and clicked the chain into place, before whipping his arm back.

There was a loud creak, and the car teetered away. 

The chain pulled taut.

Buck waited for what felt like a full minute for something to happen, before he let out a breath. He looked toward Eddie, who was bent down and smiling at him. Eddie gave him a nod and a thumbs up, and Buck grinned back, feeling a bit warmer despite the cold and wet. 

“We need to move the truck behind you first, so it's going to feel a bit rocky.” Eddie said, raising his head toward the driver.

Careful not to touch the vehicle, Buck crawled his way back out into the rain, making a face at the sticky slide of the mud and the grind of glass against his clothing. He was mentally counting down to that hot shower Eddie had mentioned, or to anything hot, really. The chill was starting to seep into his bones. But they’d ran out of coffee in the thermos at least three calls ago. 

“Your car is secured to the truck, so there’s no way you’ll fall,” Eddie continued, reaching out toward Buck to help him up.

Wrapping his hand around Eddie’s arm, Buck hauled himself up. The world abruptly went blurry as a wave of dizziness washed over him. He swayed on his feet.

Eddie instantly grabbed Buck with his other arm, stepping close as he steadied Buck, brown eyes wide with alarm. “You okay?” 

Buck blinked, and the spell passed in the next moment. “Y-yeah, I’m fine,” he said, moving away from Eddie with a wide smile, and trying not to get distracted as a droplet of water slid down Eddie's nose. “Just stood up too fast is all.”

He was tired, sure, but he could go on. More than anything Buck was annoyed at his own body for pulling this nonsense when he was already on his last call. He’d have time to sleep later. He just had to hold it together for another hour or two.

Eddie didn’t look convinced, but Buck was already heading toward Bobby, reporting that the sedan had been secured. They quickly got to work, extracting the driver of the pick-up truck and beginning the process to tow the two cars away from the edge. Buck was already getting into the body harness to go down when the stretcher rushed by him, and he raised a hand to wave goodbye as Hen climbed into the back of the ambulance.

The unit took off, sirens blaring, and at the same time, an ungodly screech pierced the air as the teetering sedan began to be dragged backward from the edge. There was a sharp scream as the back tires of the vehicle hit the ground. Beside Buck, Eddie was also getting into his harness, half watching in morbid fascination as the front tires of the car finally rolled over the cliff’s edge and back onto solid ground. Chimney, who had been ready and waiting, swooped in toward the driver the moment they were a safe distance from the edge. 

Buck and Eddie took the moment as their cue to move forward. The others had already set up the ropes and cabling around them, and before long they were standing together at the edge, staring down at the wreck sixty feet below. The worry that they may have delayed too long gnawed at Buck. Cap had said there were still some faint heat signatures down there, but was anyone still alive?

Buck glanced toward Eddie, and caught him staring right back at him, trepidation in his eyes.

“What? Not suddenly scared of heights, are you?” Buck grinned.

“No,” Eddie replied, eyes serious in a way that made Buck uncomfortable. “Are you sure you’re okay to go down there?”

“Yeah,” Buck shrugged with a smile. “I had that granola bar and everything.”

Eddie's expression turned skeptical, and he opened his mouth to speak.

“I need you two to be extra careful,” Bobby’s voice cut through the sound of the rain, interrupting Eddie before he could get a word out, and Buck turned to find their captain approaching them. “Check for survivors and report back. The rain’s going to make things slippery, and you need to take it slow. Watch out for any sign of instability. Between the quake and this rain, they’ve already started putting in landslide warnings in nearby areas. If something feels off, come back up immediately, I don’t want you to take any chances.”

“Got it, Cap,” nodded Eddie.

“Will do!” Buck said at the same time, throwing a thumbs up as he checked the straps of his harness. Beside him, Eddie tossed his coil of rope over the edge. Buck did the same, turning around and gripping his rope with a gloved hand.

“Alright, good luck boys,” Bobby backed away and waved the go-ahead. Buck looked toward Eddie, and they nodded at each other, reaching out to bump fists. 

Then, they leaned back, and started their way down.

-

On the list of everything Buck got to do as a firefighter, rappelling was undoubtedly one of the most ‘fun’ activities. Though that was usually more the case when there wasn’t a life-or-death situation, and there wasn’t rain making everything slippery, or buffeting wind trying to turn him into a smear along the cliffside.

Still, Buck was enjoying himself just a little as he and Eddie slowly made their way down in a controlled fall, bouncing and walking their way along the jagged surface. Adrenaline brought everything into sharp focus as he tried to pace himself and stay with Eddie. Bit by bit, they got closer to the wrecked blue car, haloed by spotlights from above. The vehicle had been caught by a small tree that was jutting from the outcropping, and had smashed into its trunk from the driver’s side. It was half wrapped-around the trunk, its wheels in the air. Yet all things considered, it seemed relatively secure in position, and hadn't noticeably shifted despite the wind.

“LAFD!” Buck shouted out as they grew closer to the car. “Anyone awake in there?”

His words were met with silence, and Buck’s heart rapidly began to sink. They continued descending, and Eddie lowered himself to the front of the car as Buck approached the middle, hovering just a few feet up.

“Alright, we got a driver and a passenger,” Eddie said as he locked himself in place and looked inside the car. “Shit, looks like this tree did a lot of damage.”

From where he was, Buck could see the thick branch that had stabbed through the broken windshield, filling the cabin with leaves. Two unmoving shapes were hanging limply from their seatbelts. They’d waited too long, Buck thought angrily, frustration swirling higher inside of him as he tried to figure out the best way inside the car. 

“Can you reach the driver?” Buck asked, surveying the wreck and trying to find a better angle. The outcropping was too narrow, and the car was sticking too far out for them to properly reach the driver side from the cliff wall.

“No, it’s too far,” Eddie replied with a shake of his head as he shone a torch into the cabin. “Sir? Sir can you hear me?”

There was no response, and Buck let out a breath. He watched as Eddie reached out and gripped the edge of the vehicle's chassis, tested the balance, and then started to pull himself toward the passenger window.

“Damn it,” Buck said. Reaching for his radio, he relayed their findings to Bobby. “Eddie’s trying to check the passenger now. But I might be able to swing out to the tree, check the driver.”

“Is it safe to do so?” Bobby replied.

“That’s a negative.” The radio crackled with Eddie’s voice before Buck could respond. “This tree is the only thing holding the vehicle in place, and it’s too far from the cliff. If it gives, we’ll lose not just the car.” Eddie gave him a warning look that told Buck he thought Buck’d probably also brain himself on the cliff wall.

“You don’t know that,” Buck grumbled, rolling his eyes.

“I meant what I said, Buck,” Bobby’s voice came over the radio. “No chances.”

“Read you loud and clear,” Buck said into his radio, before he started to make his way toward Eddie’s side. Thankfully, the rain was starting to ease now, though it didn’t make anything less slippery.

By the time he was at Eddie’s level, Eddie was already at the passenger window, reaching in an arm to see if he could find a pulse on the unresponsive passenger.

The world swayed, then spun, Buck was suddenly swinging on his rope. He frowned, confused. And then he was plummeting.

The harness dug into him all at once, and Buck cried out as he was abruptly jerked to a stop. He smacked into the cliff wall roughly, groaning as he scrabbled and pushed himself away from the rock. Dust and debris was raining down around him, and he looked up to find that the wreck was now almost ten feet above him. Eddie was hanging from the side of the car, his rope drooping and vibrating around him, the tension gone. The tree was rustling violently, and there was the sound of creaking metal as the wood bent and groaned. Everything was shaking.

It took a moment for things to make sense, and shock, terror, and confusion pulled Buck’s thoughts toward chaos. Aftershock? 

“Bobby?” Buck flailed for his radio, and called out hopelessly. 

There was no response. 

Above him, Eddie suddenly slipped, his legs kicking the air.

“Eddie!” Buck cried, watching as Eddie tried desperately to hold onto the window’s edge. The tree was rapidly cracking apart. In a panic, Buck tried to grasp at the cliff’s edge, to climb back up, but the rock was too slippery and he was swaying and shaking too much for him to find any purchase. Desperate, Buck tugged on his own rope, there was still something holding him up, so he grabbed onto it and pulled, trying to haul himself back up toward his best friend.

Around him, the world collapsed, and Eddie’s grip slipped further and further. 

Then, there was a snap, and a crack, and Buck was suddenly weightless. The car, the tree, Eddie, everything was falling.

Buck was falling.

Falling.

Then agony burst across his body, and everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you hadn't already noticed, this fic is heavily inspired by episodes 1x03, 3x04, and 3x15, as well as basically any episode with a cliff and/or rope rescue.
> 
> Edit (1 Jun): And apparently 2x08??? I completely forgot a particular rescue existed until a rewatch but apparently it was in the back of my brain the whole time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thanks to everyone who left a kudos, and especially to those who left a comment. Thanks so much for all of your lovely words, each new one truly made my day all over again.
> 
> This chapter was already mostly written when the first part was published, so here you are! I hope you enjoy. :D

For a long moment after the shaking stopped, no one moved.

Pushing himself from the ground, Bobby looked up at his team around him, and found everyone staring at each other with matching faces of stunned disbelief. No one seemed hurt. It was as much as he could bring himself to confirm before his eyes caught Chimney’s. He watched the other man’s eyes go wide as the same realization hit them both. 

Bobby’s gaze snapped to the collapsed tripod winch, and then he was scrambling to his feet, blood running cold as his heart raced into overdrive. He sprinted for the edge of the cliff, remembering too clearly the sound of grinding metal and splintering wood.

He slid to a stop just before the ground ran out, and stared down, mouth gaping, into the dark cliffside. He aimed his light downard, illuminating the blackness. The outcropping had completely collapsed, the wreck was nowhere to be seen, and the sight of two broken lines, swaying limply in the wind, hit him with the force of a freight train.

The boys were gone. 

At the distant bottom, the treetop had been smashed through, and there was a yawning gap of broken branches where there was once an uninterrupted green.

“Buck?!” Bobby screamed into his radio as he made sense of the scene before him. “Eddie!”

“Oh God,” Chimney’s shaking voice sounded from next to him as he also stared down into the ravine. 

The only response was static, and Bobby tried desperately to swallow back the surging fear as he tried again and again to raise his men. 

“Buck? Eddie? Do you copy?”

The entire clifftop was silent but for the sound of the easing rain as every member of their team waited for a reply. It seemed as though everyone was collectively holding their breaths, needing to hear the sound of those familiar voices again.

“Buck? Eddie? Report.”

As the seconds ticked by with no response, the fear in Bobby hardened into determination. He backed away from the edge and turned to the rest of the team, forcing himself to ignore the shock and worry in each of their eyes.

“Is everyone else okay? Is anybody hurt?”

There was a scattering of ‘I’m fine’ and ‘all good’, and Bobby nodded before he switched channels on his radio.

“Dispatch, this is the Captain, Ladder 118. We have two firefighters down. Quake caused a winch collapse during rappel rescue, suspecting serious fall injuries from thirty to fifty feet drop. Requesting immediate assistance and medevac support.”

Instead of the usual immediate response, there was silence. And Bobby focused on controlling his breaths as he waited, mind racing, for someone to reply. 

“Copy 118," finally, their radios crackled back to life with acknowledgement from a female dispatcher. "I uh… I see that the 136 was already previously dispatched to your location. ETA before the, um, aftershock, was… uh... two minutes. I’ll get in touch with SAR but we may not be able to get a chopper dispatched for half an hour or more.”

“Copy dispatch.” Bobby let out a breath, a plan of action already forming in his head as he released the button. It was up to them to get the boys back. And they were bringing them home, no matter what. 

“Alright people, let’s get moving,” Bobby shouted. “We need all working spotlights pointed back down there, get out the binoculars and scanners, see if you can spot where they landed. Chimney, keep trying to raise them on the radio.”

Everyone snapped into action as Bobby issued rapid orders to clear the broken winch and debris, and to make space for back-up and new lines. 

In seconds, the clifftop was enveloped by a flurry of activity. 

  
  


-

  
  


The sensation of swaying reached him first. Around him, there was nothing but blackness, yet the world felt like it was spinning beyond the dark. 

Then, all at once, the pain hit him full force, and Buck gasped awake to the sound of rain, and the burn of freezing cold water on his face. He opened his eyes, and stared into the night around him.

Breathing was agonizing, and it was hard to focus on anything but how much it hurt as each breath sent waves of pain rocking through his body. His ribs were definitely broken, Buck thought, as he tried to focus and look around. The light on his helmet had gone dark, and his harness was digging into his flesh, worsening the pressure on his chest. He was hanging in mid-air, swaying lightly as he shifted. 

Confused, Buck looked up, and saw that his rope had caught and tangled in the twisting branches of a tree, suspending him like an oversized pinata. Then he let his head drop, and found, to his dread and relief, he was less than ten feet from the ground.

Could be better, could be a lot worse.

“Eddie?” his voice was barely more than a croak. Buck closed his eyes, and tried to breathe through the jagged, burning feeling in his chest. He took a deep breath, choking back a whimper as his broken ribs protested. “Eddie!”

There was only the sound of the rain falling around him, and something distant, coming from far above. Fear broke through the pain. Eddie had fallen with him, and he could be hurt, or worse. Buck fumbled for his radio, letting out a sigh of relief when a familiar crackle met his ears.

“Bobby?” he said, his voice hoarse. “Eddie?”

He waited, and waited, but there was only static. Desperate, Buck tried again.

“Bobby?” he said, a broken note in his voice. “Eddie? Anyone?”

He waited, and there was nothing. The rest of the team may simply be out of range, Buck thought wildly, and Eddie… perhaps his radio broke in the fall. There was no need to assume the worst. Buck forced himself to focus. He had to find Eddie. The others were probably okay, up on the clifftop when the quake hit. His team knew they were down here, help would be coming soon. But he had to find Eddie first. He could be bleeding, he could be injured, he could be-

Buck didn’t let himself think about the worst case scenario as he reached for his pocket and dug out his phone. He pressed the power button, and almost laughed as the screen flashed on, illuminating the night around him. By some miracle, it was still working. Buck pulled off a glove with his teeth, and started stabbing at the screen, wiping and smearing at the gathering water so his touch would register. He pressed the call button next to Eddie’s name.

Buck stared at the screen as the call dialed, then terminated with three beeps.

He frowned, and tried again.

The phone beeped at him again, and it was only then that Buck saw the text at the top of his screen saying ‘Emergency Calls Only’. The signal bar shifted from half a bar, to nothing, then back again.

Muttering a curse, Buck dialed 911.

“911, what’s your emergency?” A smooth male voice sounded over the line, echoing through the speaker. Recognition tickled at the back of Buck’s brain.

“Josh?” Buck wasn’t on the verge of tears, and he didn’t know why he sounded that way.

A pause. “I’m sorry, who is this?”

“It’s Buck.”

“Buck?” Alarm filled Josh’s voice. “Where are you? Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

“Um, I fell. From the rope.” His throat burned. Buck coughed once, trying to clear it, and couldn’t suppress a whimper as his ribs burned in agony. He took fast, shallow breaths, trying to focus his thoughts through the pain. “Tell Bobby... I’m alive.”

“Okay, do you know where you are?”

“No I- I need to find Eddie.”

“Did Eddie fall with you?”

“Yes. I need to find him. I need to help him.” With his phone still pressed against his ear, Buck began to grab for his knife, pulling it from its holster. 

“No, Buck, stay where you are.” Josh’s voice was urgent. “Are you hurt? Tell me how you're feeling.”

“It doesn’t matter!” Buck said. “I have to find him, okay?”

Buck reached up and tried to hold the blade against the rope, but only managed to worsen the swaying. It was too hard to balance with his phone in his other hand. Josh was shouting something at him, but Buck didn't bother paying attention, not thinking twice as he let the phone slip from his fingers and grabbed onto the rope. Steadying himself, he began to saw at the cable with his knife. The blade was sharp and well maintained, and Buck only slipped once before the rope snapped apart and he fell to the ground.

His knees buckled upon impact, and Buck choked on a scream as he crashed into the undergrowth and pain pierced through his chest. His vision went black, and he didn’t know how long he lay there, gasping for breath, trying not to choke on something wet at the back of his throat as the world faded in and out of focus.

Slowly, gradually, the pain receded, and he could think again. 

Eddie. His best friend was the first and only thing on Buck’s mind. He had to find him, had to help him. Blinking blearily, Buck pushed at the ground with clumsy arms. Forcing himself onto his knees with gritted teeth, he took slow, light, breaths, doing his best not to aggravate his ribs any more than necessary. His left ankle protested as he tried to stand up, and Buck unsteadily maneuvered himself to his feet. 

The world around him swayed, then shifted slowly into focus. Buck found himself staring into a forest of trees, the ground around him littered with rocks, leaves, and broken branches. His gaze settled on his phone, silent at his feet, the screen bent and cracked. 

Buck groaned, and swallowed a curse. 

It was fine. His team knew they were down here. Josh knew he was alive. All he had to do was find Eddie and make sure he was okay. _God. Please let him be okay._

“Eddie?” Buck called out, wincing at the roughness of his voice. He swallowed, and tried to clear the painful scratch that wouldn't leave his throat. “Eddie!”

His voice echoed into the cold night, but the only sound Buck could hear was his own ragged breathing. Pushing down his rising terror, Buck turned, and started desperately scanning the undergrowth around him. They had fallen straight down from the cliffside, Eddie couldn’t be far away. Eddie had to be okay. He had to be.

It was hard to make out anything beneath the storm clouds and the thick canopy, and Buck stumbled forward in the dark, almost tripping on the debris at his feet. Around him it was quiet, too quiet, and his panicked breaths were too loud in his ears. Where was Eddie?

Buck’s gaze roved around him as he moved slowly around the tree. A glint of blue. Buck stopped as he stared at the remains of the car wreck he and Eddie had been searching just moments ago. The blue sedan was now a barely recognizable heap of warped metal and plastic, twisted and folded in on itself.

“Eddie,” Buck breathed, blinking against the sudden wetness in his eyes as he staggered toward it. He remembered the two people who had been unconscious inside the car, and despaired at the thought that they couldn’t have survived that second fall. 

Focused on making it toward the wreck, Buck didn’t look down until it was too late. He tripped and fell forward onto his arms and knees. Pain flared, and Buck cried out something like a scream. Yet as his vision cleared, he could only stare at the familiar tangle of rope that had caught around his foot, confused by its presence but also knowing it was somehow important. 

Then, it clicked. Their equipment, the rope, Eddie. Hope glowed white hot, and Buck frantically began to follow the line of cable, staggering back to his feet as it took him around the wreck and-

Eddie was crumpled just a few feet from the car, half buried beneath rocks, debris, and what looked like the trunk of the small tree that had originally caught the vehicle. Buck sucked in a breath and sped forward, falling to his knees beside Eddie.

“Eddie?” Buck said, gingerly reaching out to stroke the mess of wet hair out of Eddie’s face. Eddie’s eyes were closed, and his helmet was nowhere to be seen. With shaking hands, Buck reached for Eddie’s pulse, sagging in relief when he found it beating steadily beneath his fingers. Eddie’s skin was pale and cold, and an icy fear fell over Buck when his fingers came away with blood. “Eddie? Eddie come on, wake up.”

Eyes wide, Buck patted Eddie’s cheek, careful not to jostle him any more than necessary in case there was a spinal injury. But more than anything, he needed Eddie to wake up.

“Eddie!”

Eddie twitched, his eyelashes fluttering before his eyes slowly opened. Buck let out a breath and almost fell over with relief.

“Wh-” Eddie spoke with a soft exhale. His gaze drifted, and his eyes slipped closed.

“Hey, no no no no no,” Buck patted Eddie’s face again. “Stay awake. Stay with me.”

Eddie’s eyes fluttered open again, and this time, a look of confusion, then pain, crossed his face.

“Eddie? Are you with me?” Buck stared down, jaw tense, as Eddie’s eyes finally focused on his.

“Buck?”

Buck barked out a laugh, and barely hid a wince as his ribs protested harshly. “That’s right, it’s Buck. Stay with me Eddie. Do you remember what happened?”

He moved back to survey the debris that was pinning Eddie down. The shattered trunk had fallen diagonally across Eddie’s legs, though the full weight of it seemed to be shared by some of the fallen rock around him, and Eddie’s legs were not entirely crushed like Buck had initially feared. In his condition, there wasn’t much Buck could do about the tree, but the other debris didn’t seem too heavy. He could probably shift the rock that was pinning Eddie’s upper half.

Beneath Buck, Eddie hummed, his breath growing shaky and uneven as his body began to tense with obvious pain. “Uh… Did I... fall?”

A spike of fear stabbed through Buck. “That’s right. Hey, open your eyes. Do you remember how you fell? What were we doing before that?”

Eddie’s eyes snapped open, but he remained silent, a look of confusion settling across his face. His eyes were hazy and unfocused. 

Buck clamped down on his panic. He couldn’t afford to lose focus now. “Can you tell me your full name?”

“Edm’ndo,” Eddie said, blinking blearily. “Dia..”

Okay, okay. “Alright, tell me how you feel. Where’s the pain coming from? Any numbness?” 

“Uh. Hurts… ever’where,” Eddie said slowly, with a shaking exhale that ended in something like a chuckle. His breathing was shallow and fast. “Arm. Left leg… Right leg… not great. Har’ to breathe.”

Buck nodded, looking over Eddie as the other man listed his injuries, trying to figure out the best thing to do. He let himself relax just a little at the fact that Eddie seemed to be aware of himself. “How’s your head?”

“Hurts.”

“Yeah?” Buck leaned in, and found a nasty gash on the side of Eddie’s head that was still steadily bleeding. He dug into his pockets, and pulled out one of the compresses he had stuffed in earlier that night, in case it was needed for one of the car passengers. Ripping the packaging open, Buck pressed it hard against the wound. Eddie jerked, hissing, and blinked rapidly. The pain seemed to wake him up some more.

Securing it as best and as quickly as he could, Buck maintained pressure as he looked down at Eddie. “Any pain in your chest?” 

“Well,” Eddie sighed, and grimaced as he looked down the length of his own body, and the debris that covered it. “There’s a rock.”

And it needed to move. “I’m going to try and get as much of this off of you as I can, okay?”

Eddie nodded, his eyes scrunching closed in pain. Buck knew there was a serious risk of internal bleeding, and if that was the case, the compressing pressure could even be helpful until medical help arrived. But he didn’t like the way Eddie was struggling to pull air into his lungs. Yet what if he moved it, and Eddie bled to death internally? Bucks thoughts spun around and around in a panicked, delirious circle. He wished, in that desperate moment, that Chim or Hen could be there, telling him the best thing to do. 

“Move it,” Eddie said suddenly.

Buck looked up, and saw Eddie looking at him with pained, but clear eyes.

Buck nodded, and for a moment, he was unable to tear his eyes away. Eddie’s breaths were far too shallow for his liking, and it was abruptly clear that right now, it was more important that he didn’t suffocate before help arrived.

Mind made up, Buck went for the largest piece first, a long, jagged slab that was pinning Eddie’s left arm and chest. He slid his arms beneath the elevated end and lifted, unable to hold back a scream as pain burst through his chest. Leaning his full weight into it, Buck pushed until the rock flipped over and fell away from Eddie. Almost immediately, Eddie sucked in a ragged breath, and seemed to be breathing easier. 

His legs giving out, Buck half-collapsed next to Eddie. Barely holding himself up with his elbows, Buck blinked back the black spots in his vision as he tried to force his breathing back under control and the pain to the back of his mind. He couldn’t fail now. Eddie needed him. He had to… help. He needed to help Eddie.

Beside him, Eddie was catching his breath at the same time, his eyes staring blankly into the sky. And a small smile rose to Buck’s lips at the sight of him, dirty, wet, hurt, but still alive, still breathing.

“Is that… Is that better?” Buck said when he found his voice again. He shifted, settling back next to Eddie, and hated how hard it was to do even that little. 

“Thanks,” Eddie said in a soft whisper, his eyes half-closed. “Love you.”

The unexpected declaration gave Buck a moment’s pause. Feeling bolstered, and slightly flustered, Buck made his way down quickly, moving away the smaller pieces and clearing what he could to free Eddie as much as possible. 

“How’s your torso? Any pain?”

“Yeah…”

Buck wanted to check over Eddie more, look over him for tenderness and swelling, and found himself staring at the harness and layers of clothing in the way. It was only then, that Buck realized he had dropped his knife at some point when he fell from the tree. 

Swallowing a curse, he started patting Eddie’s pockets for his utility knife and scissors.

“Hey… easy tiger,” Eddie mumbled. “Not on a firs’ date.”

Buck let out a shuddering breath, fighting the urge to laugh at the ridiculous comment as he pulled out something shaped like Eddie's phone, and then dropped it immediately as it came apart in his hands in shards of shattered glass and metal. So much for that.

“You know, speaking from personal experience, putting your date through an emergency medical situation is pretty bad etiquette, man.”

“Does this mean ‘m not gettin’ a secon’ date?”

“Fuck, Eddie,” Buck gasped, closing his eyes as an unwelcome stab of want coursed through him. He couldn’t do this. Not now, not like this. Did Eddie have any idea what he was saying? “If we both survive this, you can have as many dates as you want. Okay?”

Eddie didn’t reply, and Buck was relieved for it, focusing on searching Eddie’s pockets for the tools. Finding what he needed, he cut through Eddie’s harness and clothing, needing to get a better look so he could assess what lay beneath.

“Def’ not how I... pictured this happenin’.”

Buck glanced at Eddie again, and found him staring into the trees with unfocused eyes. Buck decided not to say anything, to not think too much about the confused, delirious rambles of his concussed best friend, and turned his focus back toward his task.

Eddie was right though, this was not how he… had imagined things might go, the first time he stripped away Eddie’s clothes. Not that… it would ever actually happen the way his imagination wanted.

With every minute that passed, the burn in Buck’s chest and the ache in his muscles grew. The adrenaline was wearing off and Buck was starting to feel every bit of the cold, the pain, and the exhaustion. Everything was mounting steadily, blurring his thoughts and his vision, and Buck wanted nothing more but to curl up next to Eddie and never move again. But he had to make sure Eddie was okay. 

He had to help Eddie.

Help Eddie.

Buck poked, prodded, and asked a string of questions that only sometimes received responses. He didn’t have the right equipment or the training for a proper diagnosis, but the cuts and bruises he found seemed mostly superficial, and Eddie didn’t react in any way that indicated he was in serious pain. He suspected fractured, possibly broken ribs, and what will probably be heavy bruising. There were also a few deeper wounds that Buck did his best to bandage. But at the end of it, he thought Eddie might be okay.

“Alright, um,” Buck said as he finished his initial examination. “How are your legs feeling?”

There was no response, and Buck asked again as he started to move his attention toward the obvious crush injury. “Eddie?”

Silence, and Buck looked back to find Eddie’s eyes had closed, his body gone still and quiet.

Terror hit Buck in an instant, and he half stumbled, half lunged back toward Eddie’s head.

“Hey, Eddie?” Buck fumbled for Eddie’s pulse, and only remembered how to breathe again when he felt it beneath his fingers, fast but still steady. He patted Eddie’s pale cheek, letting out a choked whimper as Eddie’s head lolled limply. “Eddie? No no no, don’t do this, wake up.”

He sat there, shaking and yelling for what felt like eternity until Eddie finally sucked in a ragged breath, and his eyes opened slightly.

Buck sagged, and closed his eyes for a moment, dizzy with relief.

“Buck.” Eddie said weakly.

“Eddie,” Buck breathed, not sure he had it in himself to say anything else in that second.

Eddie blinked. “Cold.”

“I know,” Buck was tugging at his own jacket, before he realised his harness was still on and very much in the way. He paused for a moment, trying to remember what to do, then reached for the knife again. He cut through his harness and stripped it away, before gritting his teeth and carefully pulling his jacket off of his shoulders. He didn’t feel quite so cold anymore, so Eddie should have it. 

Buck leaned forward and tucked his jacket over Eddie with clumsy movements, almost losing his balance and falling onto his best friend in the process. Then, he let out a breath, and coughed, groaning as he jostled his ribs with the movement. Buck swallowed the wetness at the back of his throat, frowning at the faint taste of copper in his mouth. It was getting harder to keep his eyes open, and everything was fading out of focus.

“Buck?”

“Stop doing that,” Buck said, though he could barely hear his own voice. “You can’t sleep, okay?”

The world was spinning, and Buck found himself tilting closer and closer to the ground, until he was spread across it. Something was sapping away all of his strength, but Buck didn't have anything left in him to care. 

Reaching out, Buck curled his hand around Eddie’s wrist, pressing his fingers into Eddie’s skin. Buck wasn’t going to sleep either. But he could rest. Close his eyes... for just a minute…

Beneath his fingertips, Eddie’s pulse beat steadily.

Eddie was alive. Eddie would be okay.

The rain, the cold, the pain, everything faded into silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Hm, so what style of whump should I do? Concussion? Hypothermia? Broken bones? Bleeding?  
> My brain: What about... all of them?  
> Me: ...alright.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to everyone for your lovely comments. All of you are keeping me going.

His watch ticked past the twenty minute mark, and Chimney couldn’t wait any longer. Their rescue efforts were being delayed again and again and he knew, from all his years working his job, that with every passing minute their chances of finding the boys alive were diminishing.

First, it had been word that the 136 had been delayed by debris on the road, and wouldn’t arrive for another ten minutes at least as they worked to clear it.

Then, shouts of the cliff edge losing stability when dust and rock began to crumble, and a mad dash to move all the heavy vehicles further down the road, as the plan to descend from the same place the boys had fallen became suddenly unviable. 

And now that they had finally rendezvoused with the 136 at a secure site, making preparations to descend and cross over to the boys, Bobby was telling him he needed to sit this one out.

“Chimney, I need you to rest. You’ve been going non-stop since 7 a.m. If it wasn’t Buck and Eddie down there, I’d be sending you home.”

“So have you, Bobby! I can’t just sit here and wait, there has to be something I can do.”

They stood together atop a scenic viewpoint that had been transformed into an operation center. All around them, members of the 118 and the 136 were bustling around, closing off the roads and setting up lights and gear. 

“The 136 are perfectly capable of doing the job, Chimney.” Bobby looked like he was fast losing patience, and he was far from the only one. “It’s eighty feet down in cold and wet conditions and then nearly a mile through wilderness to get back to where they are. I’m not going to risk another one of my men tonight, Chimney.”

Chimney’s retort was at the tip of his tongue. But as soon as he opened his mouth to argue, his phone started to vibrate. They both looked down at Chimney’s pocket, and Chimney mentally cursed whoever had decided now was the time to call, before digging his phone out to see Maddie’s photo on the caller ID.

It was like being dropped into a lake of freezing water. Maddie. How was he going to-

Bobby glanced up at Chimney, and nodded at him to take the call before walking off toward the 136’s new captain. Knowing the conversation was done for now, Chimney took a deep breath, and swallowed his dread before answering the call.

“Maddie-”

“Oh God, Chimney.” Maddie’s response came out in a rush. “I just heard. Is Buck-?”

“Attention 118. Attention 136.” A male dispatcher’s voice sounded over the radio, cutting off Maddie’s words before she could finish. Silence fell around Chimney as everyone turned their attention toward their radios.

“Maddie, Maddie hold on,” Chimney stammered out just as the two captains acknowledged the call.

“We have just received a 911 call from uh, from Firefighter Evan Buckley,” the voice continued. And Chimney abruptly recognized that it was Josh speaking. 

Buck was alive. Chimney sagged as relief washed over him. Across the outcropping, Bobby visibly swayed and let out a breath. 

“He asked me to inform you, Captain Nash, that he is alive, and searching for Firefighter Diaz. And then he... stopped answering, and the call cut out not long after. He didn’t describe any injuries, but… it sounded like he was in pain. We were unable to pinpoint a precise location.”

But he was conscious, and coherent, and must have been mobile if he could search for Eddie. Chimney read between Josh’s words for everything unsaid, and hope burned hot in his veins.

The exchange concluded not long after, and all at once, the team around him burst into frenzied action, movements hurried by hope and renewed urgency. He was surrounded by experienced first responders who understood better than most the chances of survival in an incident like this one. Chimney knew that people were expecting this to be a recovery mission, he’d seen the drawn look on many of their faces, read the grief in the others’ eyes. But now, everyone knew that at least one person down there was alive, and that confirmation meant more than anyone could let themselves acknowledge. 

This was not a recovery but a rescue mission, and they had two of their own to save.

When Chimney remembered to put the phone back to his ear, he could hear Maddie sobbing, and his heart broke knowing the devastation she must be going through. Buck and Eddie may be Chimney’s close friends and colleagues, but Buck was her _brother._

“Maddie… Did you… did you just hear all that?”

“Find him, Chim, please. I can’t lose him, not Buck.”

“I will, Maddie,” Chimney said. He wasn’t going fail Buck and Eddie. And he sure as hell wasn’t going to fail the woman he loved either.

After speaking with Maddie, Chimney made his way toward Bobby with renewed determination. His captain was now by the winch talking to Lena. The firefighter was pulling on her gloves, already almost geared up and preparing to go down.

“Eddie is a stubborn bastard,” Lena said to Bobby as Chimney approached, “and from what I’ve heard, Buck is too. You'll get them back, Bobby."

“Yeah,” Bobby said stiffly, though the confidence in his words didn’t reach his eyes. “I know we will.”

Arriving next to the pair, Chimney nodded at Lena as she caught his eye. Bobby turned toward Chimney, and gave him a chastising look that did nothing to dissuade him.

“That was Maddie,” Chimney said, letting the weight of the fact speak for itself. It was a reminder to them both of how many people were waiting, how many people needed Buck and Eddie to survive tonight. Maddie, Christopher, all of their friends and families, whether it was by blood or bond.

Bobby stared at him, expression blank and unreadable to most. But Chimney could see the turmoil behind his eyes. Bobby knew why Chimney had to do this, why he should be the one. 

“Send me down there, Bobby. Please, I have to do this. I’m the best paramedic you have. Let me help them.”

Lena watched them, her eyes serious, but made no comment.

Chimney focused on Bobby, sensing his hesitation, and Chimney could almost see the way his captain was trying to balance the interests of the boys with his fear of even more loss. The 136 had their own capable paramedics. Was Chimney truly the best person to go down? Perhaps, perhaps not. But both of them knew that if he wasn’t down there and the worst happened to Buck or Eddie, neither of them would ever forgive themselves.

“Fine,” Bobby said, “get in the harness.”

A wide grin broke out over Chimney’s face. He nodded his thanks, then turned and dashed off, almost tripping as he sprinted to get into his gear.

  
  


-

  
  


It was the shivering that woke him. 

Eddie opened his eyes, and closed them immediately again at the pounding, unending pain in his head. All at once every ache in his body made itself known. His arm, his side, his legs. God, his head. He bit back a groan and swallowed against the nausea in his stomach. It was so cold. He couldn’t even remember getting shot, but that must have been what happened. He remembered the gunfire, knew the insurgents were still out there in the dark. Where was his team? Did he get everyone out? He had to move, they were going to find him if he didn’t get out of here now.

The pain in his head was all consuming, making it hard to see, to focus. Eddie tried to get up, to get away, to hide, but something was pinning him down and he couldn’t stop shaking. Eddie was cold. He was so cold. Eddie didn’t think he had ever been so cold in his life. Every breath of the freezing air felt like barbs in his lungs. 

Something was tight around his wrist, tethering him, and Eddie tried to pull away only to notice that there was a body next to him.

He stared at the prone figure for a long time, studying the angle of the cheekbones, the curve of lashes, the shape of the lips, as he tried to fit together the broken jigsaw pieces in his head. Then, haunting familiarity finally solidified into recognition. 

Buck. Pale. Unconscious. He wasn’t moving. He wasn’t talking, he wasn’t laughing, and that was wrong. Eddie tugged on his wrist again, and Buck shook limply with the movement, his head lolling toward him.

No. No. “Buck?”

Eddie pulled Buck toward him, breaking Buck’s grasp and awkwardly dragging himself closer. His legs caught against something and wouldn’t move, and Eddie looked around him in confusion, before turning back to Buck again. Buck should be warm, Buck was always warm and loud and good. And Eddie pulled him closer, tighter, his hand running over Buck's clothes, and didn’t understand why Buck was so cold.

“Buck?” Eddie shook him. Buck shouldn’t be so quiet. “Stop sleeping.” They weren’t supposed to sleep on the job.

Buck didn’t respond. Eddie pulled his blanket (jacket?) over the two of them, and pressed as close as he could. He pressed his face into the crook of Buck’s neck, and waited to be warm again.

This close, it was hard to ignore the way Buck’s breathing was shallow, ragged, wet. That was wrong too. It was bad, but God, his head hurt so much it was hard to remember why. 

“Buck,” Eddie mumbled again, his voice muffled. Buck needed to wake up. The thought was suddenly all consuming. Buck had to wake up. He had to wake up. “Buck!”

His mind made up, Eddie pushed himself up, his eyes squeezing closed as vertigo struck and the world spun violently around him. He swayed, and tried to breathe through the nausea and dizziness, until he finally felt like he wasn't going to pass out again. With stiff, clumsy movements, Eddie reached out to grab Buck’s shoulder. Buck needed to wake up and Eddie had to wake him. This was the most important thing he was ever going to do. 

“Wake up,” Eddie ordered.

Buck lolled limply, unresponsive.

“Buck?” Eddie said again, angry this time. The pain was cacophony in his brain and Buck was being stubborn and downright rude. “Buck, wake up.”

Nothing. Buck’s face was deathly pale in the dim light, and the fact of it just pissed Eddie off even more. 

Eddie slapped Buck’s face. “Buck!”

A soft exhale, and Buck finally stirred to life, lashes fluttering as his eyes cracked open. 

“Ed- die?” Buck’s words ended in a hoarse, wet cough. 

Pleased, Eddie lowered himself back to the ground, one arm still draped over Buck’s chest, and tucked himself against the other man again. The freezing cold didn’t feel quite as bad now.

“No sleepin',” Eddie said.

“Oh,” Buck murmured. Then there was nothing but the sound of his ragged breaths.

“Dun’ wan’ to make Bobby mad,” Eddie emphasized, knowing how much Buck liked Bobby.

“I-I don’t think... we can help that… anymore.”

Maybe Buck couldn’t help getting in trouble, but Buck was Buck, always running ahead into danger without thinking, not knowing how important he was. Eddie had had a really good track record so far, in comparison. “Bobby loves me.”

“Who doesn’t?”

There was something sincere in Buck’s voice that made Eddie feel a little bit warmer. “A lotta people,” he mumbled, closing his eyes.

“Name one.”

“Shan'on.”

“She... doesn’t count.” Another wet, almost choking cough.

“Lena...”

“She doesn’t... matter.”

“Buck…”

“What?” 

“Buck doesn’.”

“I-” There was a long silence, before the voice sounded again, soft as a whisper. “Of course I do.”

“That’s unprofessional, Frank,” Eddie sighed, abruptly remembering how Buck had slept with his therapist. Gross. Did Frank want to sleep with him too?

“I’m…” There were small gasps in between Frank’s words, and now Frank was grasping for Eddie's hand. Eddie was too tired to resist. “I’m not… Frank, Eddie.”

“You don’ sound good,” Eddie murmured, not liking the slight whistle he was hearing.

“Pot… kettle…” The breaths were shallower now.

Eddie frowned, his grip tightening on the shape next to him. No, this wasn’t… This wasn’t right. Something was screaming at the back of his mind, Eddie just didn’t know what it was saying.

“I don-” Someone mumbled. “Ed-” 

Eddie was tired, so tired. His bones felt weighed down with lead, and he thought maybe he could just lie here and not move ever again. Not moving seemed good. If only the shape next to him would stop shaking.

“I can’t-”

Maybe he could get away with sleeping for just a little while. The shape next to him went still and quiet, and Eddie thought he could drift off, just like this.

Why was it so quiet?

Eddie forced his eyes open, and tilted his head. When the world sluggishly came into focus, he found himself staring at a familiar profile. It was handsome. It was good. It was safe. He’d always liked the red marks at Buck’s brow.

“Buck?” Eddie murmured. 

There was only stillness. Buck was still. That was not right. That was not good. Eddie was supposed to do something. God, why won’t his head stop hurting? Did he get knocked out in a fight again? He’d promised Bobby he wouldn’t fight anymore. 

He was going to be in so much trouble. What was he going to tell Buck?

Buck.

Eddie blinked, his eyes refocusing on Buck’s face.

“Buck.” Eddie shook the other man. Buck wasn’t moving. He wasn’t breathing.

Buck wasn’t breathing.

“No...” Eddie pushed himself up clumsily, grinding his teeth against the dizziness and the nausea. There was pressure in Buck’s lungs. The thought came to Eddie, though he didn’t know what to do about it. 

“Buck? Eddie? Do you copy?”

The blanket suddenly spoke. Eddie stared dumbly down at the fabric, which looked a lot like a jacket. He could barely think beyond the pain in his head. But there was this shape. This...

Radio.

Eddie reached out, and pulled it to his lips, depressing the button. “Hello?”

There was silence for a long time. Eddie waited, waited, then finally gave up, his grip loosening on the rectangle.

“-ere are you. Eddie?” The radio crackled to life again the moment his finger slipped from the button, and Eddie stared at it again, dumbfounded, before picking it up again.

“That’s me.” He loosened his grip.

“Oh thank God.” Chimney’s voice sounded over the static. “We think we know where you are, we’re on our way, okay? How are you doing? Is Buck there?”

The noise was making Eddie’s head hurt worse, and he forced his eyes open to look at Buck, deathly pale and unmoving beside him.

“He’s sleepin'.”

A long silence. “Eddie, how long has he been asleep?

“I… don’t know.” There was something important though, if Eddie can just remember it. “His… um… lungs? Pressure… I-I uh... I can’t...” Why was it so hard to remember? There’s something, a word he needed, but it was so far away.

“Is he breathing?”

The pain in his head was reaching crescendo, and the world was growing dimmer each second.

“Eddie?”

Eddie opened his eyes, he was lying down again, and he wasn’t sure when it happened.

“Eddie? Eddie, I think we’re close.” A woman’s voice said, faint and distant. “I need you to turn up the volume of your radio, okay?”

It wasn’t so cold anymore. It didn’t hurt so much anymore. His eyes slipped closed.

“Edmundo Diaz, listen to me. Turn up the vol... to find you, and Buck needs your help ... pinpoint your loca...”

Buck needed his help.

Buck needed-

Eddie forced his eyes open. The world was pitch black now, but he could feel the rectangle in his hand. Volume. His fingers brushed over the lumps on the shape. Then, he found the dial, and turned it all the way.

“Eddie?”

The screech of Chimney’s voice was like a knife, cutting through the last threads of his consciousness. The world flickered. Eddie’s grip loosened on the radio, and it slipped from his fingers. 

Then there was nothing.

-

“Eddie!”

Lena watched as Chimney screamed into his radio, her heart plummeting as all of her relief upon hearing Eddie’s voice evaporated. She and Chimney were ahead of the others coming down the cliff, but half of the crew behind them must have heard the exchange as well. Buck was unconscious, and Eddie’s mental state was rapidly deteriorating, if he hadn’t just lost consciousness too. If they didn’t get to them soon…

She’d had a moment of excitement, when her captain first informed them they were going to support the 118 at an accident site. It had been one of those days where it felt like anything could happen. And indeed, the cascade of calls had dragged her team further and further from the city until they were deep in the hills. Thanks to the natural disaster, her team hadn’t been the only one pulled out of their comfort zone. And there was an ironic humor to the fact that it was another natural disaster that was bringing her and Eddie back together again. She and Eddie had seen little of each other since the misunderstanding, and the awkward apology that followed after. Up until a little while ago, Lena had been pleased at the chance to check in with Eddie again and maybe grind his gears just a little. 

But then came aftershock, and the news of the boys’ fall.

Now, here she was in the freezing dark and wilderness, listening as Chimney tried again and again to raise his friends, knowing what it might mean when no one answered him. And suddenly she was hoping that her and Eddie's last goodbye hadn’t just become their final goodbye. 

The shadow of the cliff loomed right ahead of them. Forcing her worry to the back of her mind, Lena pushed her way through the forest with Chimney, their torches scanning for signs of Eddie and Buck as they carefully navigated the wet, uneven terrain. Behind her, Chimney almost tripped on a rock, and Lena turned to help just as he found his balance again. 

Lena glanced at her GPS, frowning when it told her they were almost right on top of the missing pair. But everywhere they looked, their lights only fell on trees and bushes. Eddie and Buck were nowhere to be seen.

“Eddie? Buck? Do you copy?” Chimney said into his radio.

“-u copy?”

Lena froze as a faint echo reached her ears. “Do you hear that?”

Chimney stopped abruptly, and turned toward her. “Hear what?”

Lena reached for her radio. “Eddie?”

“...die?”

An echo, of her own voice. Chimney’s eyes widened, hearing it too, and he and Lena barely exchanged a glance before they started half-running in its direction. The ground was cragged and rough, it was hard for either of them to see what was underfoot, and it took far too long for them to reach the source of the sound.

As they drew closer, the echo of their own voices (“Eddie?”) grew louder. And louder. (“Buck?”) Until finally, Lena and Chimney burst through a cluster of trees, and staggered to a stop as their lights finally shone upon their missing friends.

Eddie and Buck were stretched near the twisted remains of a car which had been warped into a shape no one inside could survive. The trunk of a small tree had fallen across Eddie’s legs, pinning him in place. But he was curled sideways, half draped across Buck who lay unconscious beside him. If it had been any other situation, the scene might have been sweet, with the way they were cuddled against each other. Now, Lena only prayed they were still alive.

She dashed forward, pulling her pack from her shoulders as she slid to her knees next to Eddie. Beside her, Chimney was already radioing the others, and dropping down next to Buck.

“Eddie?” The chance of spinal injury was relatively low since it looked like Eddie had moved himself into position. Gently, Lena moved in, pulled Eddie away from Buck, and laid him flat on his back. She felt for a pulse, and breathed a sigh of relief when she found it, thready and uneven, but definitely still there.

“Shit, he’s not breathing!” Chimney said suddenly, and Lena looked up to find Chimney pulling out his scissors to cut open Buck’s clothing. Eddie had mentioned before he collapsed that there was some sort of problem with Buck’s lungs.

Chimney was the experienced paramedic out of the two of them. Knowing he could take care of Buck, Lena forced herself to focus on Eddie. She hurriedly checked him over, noting the soaked through bandages and flimsy field treatment which meant at some point, Buck must have tried to help him. Eddie was deathly pale, far too cold to the touch, and entirely unresponsive. It looked like severe concussion, as well as moderate, if not advanced hypothermia, blood loss, possible fractures and internal bleeding, and there was a good chance his legs were broken. It was a miracle that he was still hanging on.

There was a hiss from beside her, and Lena looked over to find that Chimney had inserted a tube into Buck’s chest and had activated the portable suction unit in his pack.

“Come on, come on,” Chimney murmured, looking between the machine and Buck as bloody fluid was pumped from Buck’s chest.

Lena glanced toward the tree. They needed to move it off of Eddie, and soon.

Then, like a sign from heaven, Buck inhaled a breath, and Lena looked across just in time to see his eyes flutter open. “Wha-”

“Hey Buck,” Chimney said with a sloppy grin, switching off the machine.

“Ed-”

“He’s fine, Buck,” Lena said, moving closer. She pressed her hands down on Buck’s shoulders, holding him in place so he didn’t immediately try to get up and find Eddie again.

“I can do this,” Lena said to Chimney. She was good at her job, but she didn’t have the medical experience that Chimney did. “Check Eddie. You think its safe to move the trunk pinning him?”

Chimney glanced toward her, then at Buck, before nodding and handing over the equipment in his hands. Lena moved around Buck, taking over to extract the chest tube and press a compress over the incision. Buck barely reacted, and stared helplessly at Eddie, who remained terrifyingly still beside them.

“Buck, hey, look at me.” Lena said.

Buck ignored her words, eyes intent on Eddie beside him. It was then, that Lena saw the white-knuckled grip Buck had on Eddie’s wrist, and the way his fingers were digging in at Eddie’s pulse point. She looked at the wetness in Buck’s eyes, the terror and grief and fear written across his face. 

Then, she understood.

“Buck,” Lena said again, softer this time. “Buck, he’s going to be alright.”

This time, her words seemed to reach Buck, who turned his gaze toward her, and the anguish in his eyes took her breath away. She’d seen it countless times, in the eyes of husbands, wives, partners, people terrified that they were about to lose the person they love forever. 

“Talk to me if you can, tell me what you remember,” she said. It wasn’t her place to comment, it wasn’t the time, and right now, Lena didn’t know if either of them were going to pull through this. 

“Lena, come help me!” Chimney shouted.

Lena looked up, and then back down at Buck. “Stay here.”

“We need to move this tree off of him, he’s losing circulation,” Chimney said, already on his feet and studying the trunk pinning Eddie intensely, trying to find the best place to lift it. 

Lena joined him from the other side, and leaned in as Chimney crouched down. Digging her fingers in beneath the tree, she grit her teeth and lifted with all her strength. Beside him, Chimney did the same, muscles straining with effort. 

The tree shifted, lifting barely an inch, before falling back down.

“Shit, it’s too heavy,” Chimney said as Lena stepped back with a frown.

“I can-” Behind them, Buck struggled to rise.

“No, Buck! Stay where you are.” Chimney said, holding an arm out, eyes widening.

Buck fell back, staring at him with confused, hurt eyes, and it left Lena feeling uncomfortably like they had just kicked a puppy. Though clearly unwilling, Buck listened to Chimney and stopped moving. Lena turned toward her radio, and started updating the team behind her with the situation. Beside her, Chimney was studying the log with furrowed brows, jaw tense.

“Eddie?”

The terror in Buck’s voice had both Lena and Chimney’s attention snapping back in an instant. On the ground, Buck was leaning over Eddie, shaking him urgently. And Lena noticed with a spike of horror that a terrifying stillness had taken over Eddie. His chest wasn’t moving.

“Chimney?” There was a tremor in Lena's voice she didn’t mean to show.

Chimney moved in a flash, and was already diving to the ground next to Eddie as Lena moved a second later. She wrapped her arms around Buck, hauling the panicked man away from the pair as Chimney fell into CPR.

Lena barely heard the others arrive behind them, focusing on holding Buck down and telling him to calm down, to breathe. Had the other man been at his full strength she wasn’t quite sure she could do it alone, but in her arms, Buck’s struggles grew weaker and weaker, until he was clinging at her, sobbing as he feebly tried to pull toward Eddie. 

“No! No. Eddie, please.”

Someone settled next to Lena, readying a line of fluids. Others moved around and bent beside the fallen tree, coordinating to lift it away. But all Lena could hear was Buck’s whimpers as Chimney placed the pads of the defibrillator in place and sent a jolt of electricity through Eddie's chest. 

"Please." Bucks words were breathless whispers. "Please. No."

Lena watched, the rest of the world fading into the background, as Chimney tried again to restart Eddie’s heart.

The rest of the night faded into a blur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title has been changed as I find this simply fits better. :)

Slumped on an uncomfortable plastic chair by the hospital elevators, Hen finished the last of her coffee, and wished not for the first time that night that she was at home, curled in bed next to Karen. 

It had been a whirlwind of a day, and more than anything, she was just glad that it was over. There had been a heartstopping moment on the road when the aftershock hit. But everyone had made it through intact and Hen was able to hand her patient over in a stable condition. She’d shot off a few messages in the group chat letting the others know that everything was fine. No one had responded yet, but there had been no news of any new disasters on the mountain, so Hen took it as a sign that the team was simply still busy. She’d let Karen know that she was coming off shift. And now all that was left was to wait for her wife to come pick her up and take her home.

Hen mentally counted down the minutes until she could be home and in bed. As long as she didn’t get called in to fill for someone else the next morning, she could look forward to a nice long sleep-in, and maybe some fluffy pancakes for breakfast.

A voice sounded from the intercom above her, requesting a doctor to attend one of the surgery rooms.

Hen could feel her thoughts slowing down as exhaustion washed over her like a rising tide. She stared into her cup tiredly, and barely looked up as the elevator dinged beside her, doors sliding open, and a few people emerged from inside. 

Then, the flash of familiar uniforms caught her attention, and Hen looked up to find, in a moment of shock, that she recognized one of the two firefighters that had just walked into the corridor.

“Chimney?” Hen shot up from her seat, eyes wide, and dashed toward her friend.

Chimney looked like he had just survived a warzone. His uniform was covered in rain and grime, and he looked pale and exhausted. There were wet leaves sticking to his boots and he was tracking mud across the clean hospital floor. Chimney turned at the sound of her voice, and the moment recognition hit, his expression fell with a mix of sadness and relief that shot Hen’s worry up to eleven. Chimney walked forward and right into Hen, who barely brought her arms up in time to return the crushing hug Chimney gave her.

“Hen, oh my God, I am so happy you’re here.” Chimney mumbled into her shoulder. “I really never want to do that again.”

“Chimney, what are you talking about?” Hen said, worry and confusion spinning inside of her. “What are you doing here? How did you even get ahead of me?”

In her arms, Chimney froze. And it was then that Hen looked across at the 136 paramedic that stood behind him, looking equally exhausted and somewhat confused. 

“No one told you.” Chimney said as he pulled away, a look of guilt and surprise crossing his face.

“Told me what?” Hen said, her alarm climbing higher with every second. “Chimney, what happened?”

Chimney’s mouth opened, but no words came out, and his gaze darted around in something between uncertainty and panic. “We should probably go sit down.”

  
  


-

  
  


“Oh my God.”

Ten minutes later, Hen was sitting at the cafeteria table with her head in her hands. The other paramedic had left them with some coffee before leaving to get herself cleaned up. Chimney, beside her, nursed his drink with a thousand yard stare.

“Yeah,” Chimney said softly, as he finished recounting what had happened. “It was bad, Hen, God.” He heaved a ragged sigh. “I-I don’t even know if Eddie… I mean, we got them back, we got both of them back, but he’d coded _twice_ before we even got off that chopper and-”

Chimney’s voice abruptly cut off, and he let out a slow breath, rubbing at his face.

“I should have been there,” Hen mumbled.

“Don’t do that,” Chimney said. “You were doing your job, you couldn’t have known.”

Hen knew it was true, but it didn’t make it any easier, knowing that her family had needed her and she hadn’t been there. That Chimney, Bobby, and all the others had had to go at it without her. If either of the boys didn’t make it…

The thought wrapped around her like a vice, leaving her with nothing but choking terror.

“I need to call Karen,” Hen said. “I can’t go home now.”

Chimney just gave her a tired smile, and didn’t ask her to.

  
  


-

  
  


One by one, the others showed up at the hospital. First it was Maddie, sniffling and wiping at her tears, diving straight into Chimney's arms. Then it was Athena with a face of cold fury, looking like she’d driven off half way through a shift. Not long after that Bobby arrived still in his field gear. And then, at the same time, Eddie’s aunt and abuela, huddled together in support of each other. They’d called in Carla last minute to watch over Christopher, and had left the young boy asleep in bed, with no idea what had happened to his father. 

Minutes became hours. Other members of the 118 arrived, and Lena, alongside quite a few of the 136, and even Josh, passed through as their shift ended to check on the boys’ progress. The hospital was already overflowing with patients from the quake, but the 118 family still found themselves taking over a corner of the waiting room. Everyone was huddled together in small groups, whispering or staring blankly at their phones. At some point, Chimney passed out asleep on Maddie’s shoulder. And as the sun began to rise, Eddie’s aunt left to go home and check in on Christopher.

Hen barely moved from her chair the entire time, her thoughts spiralling as her imagination tried to fill in the gaps between Chimney’s words. She’d long since forced a full account of the suspected injuries from her best friend, and all of it had only worsened her dread. She didn’t know if the night was going to have a happy ending, and there was little she could do but wait, and pray, and hope that both Buck and Eddie pulled through. 

As her thoughts turned dark, she found herself grasping at the silver linings. She could be thankful that both boys were at the same hospital, and they didn’t have to bounce between two places, getting updates through messages and phone calls. It was so clear, from the crowd of people around her, that Buck and Eddie both had many people who loved them, and needed them. And she was so lucky that Karen had been so understanding when she told her that she had to stay, and had promised to join her in a few hours once Denny and Nia were taken care of.

“Family of Evan Buckley?”

Every head in their corner turned in unison toward the doctor standing at the door to the operating rooms. The woman’s eyes widened for a moment before she took in their uniforms, and let out a sigh.

Maddie rose almost immediately, and approached the doctor as Chimney and Bobby joined her side. 

“I’m his sister,” Maddie said, wringing her hands nervously, eyes red.

Hen resisted the urge to get up as well, and hung back with everyone else, straining her ears to hear whatever news the doctor had to share.

The doctor nodded at Maddie. “Your brother is out of surgery, and he’s doing okay right now.”

There was a collective sigh of relief from everyone around her. Chimney pulled Maddie into a hug, when she looked like she was about to burst into tears again.

“He is dealing with broken ribs, as well as various fractures, and some minor cuts and sprains. But the main issue is the trauma he’s suffered to his chest. It’s caused serious damage in his lungs and chest cavity. We were able to stop the bleeding and repair the lacerations, but we need to keep him under close observation for at least the next 48 hours. With injuries like these there is a serious risk of complications and infection.”

Maddie nodded fiercely. “Yes I- I know. I used to work as a nurse.”

The doctor visibly relaxed. “I’m glad you understand the situation. We will be transferring him to the ICU for monitoring. We can’t allow visitors right at this moment, but we will let you know as soon as he is ready.”

“Right, thank you doctor,” Maddie said, and a chorus of ‘thank you’ sounded around her.

The doctor left to attend to other patients not long after, and Hen found herself staring around at everyone’s shell shocked faces. Her relief at knowing Buck was doing alright was only matched by her worry at the lack of word about Eddie. And she knew, from the look on everyone's weary faces, that none of them were going to be able to rest easy until they had answers.

Sagging back into her chair, Hen let out a sigh, and settled herself in for an even longer wait.

  
  


-

  
  


It was never easy, waiting on the wrong side of hospital doors. Athena had gone through this moment more times than she could count, than she had ever wanted to, for fellow colleagues and her 118 family. And she knew, from personal experiences that she never wanted to think about again, that it was different when the person behind those doors was someone who had been relying on you. 

Athena emerged from the women’s restroom somewhere between five and six a.m. to find that her husband had vanished in the span of time it took her to freshen up. On a hunch, she followed the signs in the building until it took her to the chapel. And she pushed open the door to find none other than Bobby Nash, head bowed, hands folded, kneeling in one of the pews of the empty room.

With a quiet sigh, Athena slipped through the door and let it click closed behind her. This moment was private. Though Athena knew Bobby wouldn’t think her an intruder, she chose to spend the moment watching the man she loved. She didn’t have to be his wife to see that Bobby was taking this hard. She knew about the jokes the team made, about how Bobby was the team dad and herself the mum. Usually the thought was amusing, and it was somewhat flattering to know that the team felt so comfortable around them, that she wasn't thought of as an intruder. 

Yet behind the teasing, there was a kernel of truth. Under their watch, the 118 had long since become a family. Buck and Eddie, two of their youngest (and perhaps their favourites), were almost like sons to them. And no father could stand to see their child hurt and dying, while he could do nothing to help.

Athena knew what had happened to Bobby’s previous family, the weight of the guilt and responsibility he carried on his shoulders, the fear and pain that was suffocating him now.

After a minute, Bobby relaxed from his position, and moved to slump down on the bench behind him. It was then that Athena approached, and slid onto the seat beside Bobby. She reached for his hand and twined their fingers together, holding on tightly.

“They’ll be okay, baby,” Athena said quietly.

Bobby took a deep breath, but didn’t meet her gaze. “I know.”

“It doesn’t quite sound like you believe it.”

Bobby looked at her then, and Athena couldn’t stand to watch the grief in his eyes. She lifted a hand, and stroked his hair softly. 

Something in Bobby seemed to break at her touch. “‘Thena… what I did today...”

Athena frowned slightly, confused.

“I don’t know if I should be working this job anymore.”

“What are you talking about?” Bewilderment slipped into Athena’s voice. Her husband was among the best fire captains she’d ever met.

“I failed them, ‘Thena. My team. The 118. Hell, even the 136. The decisions I made out there last night…”

“It was a natural disaster, Bobby. You couldn’t have predicted that. You got them back, you found the boys again.”

“That’s not- That’s not what I’m talking about.” Shame fell across Bobby’s face, and Athena struggled to make sense of it.

“The warnings, ‘Thena.” Bobby's gaze, when it met hers, was heavy with guilt.

Understanding prickled at the back of her mind, and Athena's heart sank at the implications of Bobby’s words.

“The landslide warnings.” Bobby continued. “They came through minutes after the aftershock hit. We had to move the trucks from where Buck and Eddie fell because the ground there was becoming unstable.”

“Bobby…”

“There were warnings in place for that entire area, ‘Thena, but I still sent them down there.” Bobby said, his voice breaking. “I was supposed to keep a clear head. But all I could think about was how it was Buck and Eddie down there, that they could still be alive, that they needed us, and I couldn’t-”

Bobby’s words cut off abruptly, and Athena knew what Bobby couldn’t bring himself to say. He couldn’t leave them to die.

“The entire cliff could have come down on them at any time,” Bobby whispered. “I risked the lives of a dozen firefighters because I couldn’t stand the thought of losing those boys."

Athena looked around them then, and confirmed that there was no one else in the room with them before she turned her attention back to her husband. Bobby’s words were dangerous, in more ways than one. “It was not only your call to make, Bobby.”

“I was incident command-”

“And what about the captain of the 136?” Athena didn’t hesitate to emphasize her point. “Did they disagree with your decisions?”

Bobby hesitated, as though the thought hadn’t even occurred to him until then. “No.”

Athena tilted her head, levelling a look at her husband. “And they would never have risked their own team if the danger was as serious as you suggest. Bobby, both of you were operating on the same facts, working off of the same information, and they agreed with you that going down for the boys was the right thing to do.”

Athena watched as Bobby processed her words, his eyes blank and lost.

“Nothing bad happened, Bobby.” she said. “You made the right call, you did your job, you saved the boys. Don’t beat yourself up about a what-if that never even happened.”

Bobby simply stared ahead, like he wasn't even hearing her words.

“You know, it’s funny.” Bobby said, after a moment of silence. “During that train derailment, I told Buck off for being too close to the mission, for not thinking with a clear head. But the circumstances changed and... I was the one who was too close to it all to think clearly.”

“Bobby, you didn’t take any risk that you shouldn’t have.”

“I just have a hard time convincing myself that, for some reason.” Bobby sagged, and he closed his eyes, huffing out a breath. His next words were painfully calm. “If it had been anyone else, I’d have called off the search, ‘Thena.”

“And you would have been wrong to do so.”

Bobby only watched her tiredly, not trusting her words for the good intentions he knew she carried. They both knew that in this moment, there was nothing else Athena could say. But it didn’t mean that she didn’t believe in her husband, even when he didn’t seem to believe in himself.

“You know, I don’t know what scares me more,” Bobby said eventually, his voice soft. “The fact that I took the risk to begin with, or the fact that I think I might do it all again in a heartbeat.”

Athena let out a slow sigh. Then, she leaned forward and pulled her husband into her arms, holding him tight.

For a long time, they stayed like that, each finding comfort in the other, and Athena found herself staring at the altar, whispering a small prayer for Eddie, and for Buck, to make it out of this.

  
  


-

Buck woke up slowly.

The steady beeping of monitors reached him first. Then, the burning smell of antiseptic, the cool breeze of air conditioning. Buck’s senses returned one by one, and he opened his eyes to a bland white ceiling. 

For a moment, he simply floated, on a cloud of bone-deep exhaustion and something calming yet chemical. Then, everything began to piece together, and Buck realised with an internal groan that he was back in the one place he’d hoped he’d never end up in again. The moment he tried to remember why he was there, memory came flooding back, and with it, raw, unbridled panic.

“Eddie? Eddie!” Buck strained to sit up, his arms flailing as he looked around desperately and didn’t see Eddie anywhere. Monitors around him began to wail as he struggled, and someone was shoving him down, trying to pin him to the bed. But all Buck could think of was his memory of Eddie, pale, unmoving, not breathing. 

“Buck! Buck, calm down,” Bobby’s voice sounded harshly in his ear with an authority Buck couldn’t help but focus on. “Eddie’s fine, he’s alive.”

“Bobby?” Buck blinked, the fight draining out of him as his eyes finally focused on Bobby, standing over him and holding him down. Confusion filled him as breaths began to ease, and his body began to relax. 

Bobby was pale and worn, the lines on his face deeper somehow, like he had aged ten years while Buck was sleeping. He looked at Buck with tired eyes, but the relief in them was clear.

“I-” Buck couldn’t quite piece together the right words. “He’s alive?”

“Yes,” Bobby said, though he didn’t look nearly as happy as Buck would have liked.

“Can I see him?” Faintly, Buck knew he was supposed to be relieved, but all he could think about was Eddie _paledeadnotbreathing_ and some part of him had trouble believing Bobby's words. “How is he?”

Bobby hesitated. “He’s… doing as well as he can, all things considered.”

“What? What does that mean?”

“He suffered a serious head injury, Buck,” Bobby said evenly, "on top of everything else. He’s in a coma at the moment. We are all waiting for him to wake up.”

“Can I see him?” Buck heard what Bobby was saying, but none of it felt real. He just wanted to see him, he had to see Eddie and make sure. “Please? Bobby? Let me see him?”

Bobby watched him, then sighed. “I- I’ll see what I can do.”

Buck didn’t have the wherewithal to question why Bobby put up so little resistance, and simply waited, impatient, as Bobby pulled out his phone and began to press buttons. Then, the phone was beeping with a connecting video call, and Buck was saying hello to a cheery Athena on the other end before the camera was finally turned toward Eddie.

Eddie, unconscious on a hospital bed, head wrapped in bandages, with tubes sticking from his mouth and snaking toward the machines around him. There was the rhythmic hiss of a ventilator, and the steady beep of a heart monitor somewhere beyond. 

This was not right. This was not good. Buck’s heartbeat picked up as he struggled to make sense of what he was seeing. “W-why are there so many machines?”

“He’s in a coma, Buckaroo,” Bobby said patiently, slowly, like he was talking down a scared animal. “The machines are helping do some of the work for him. But he’s doing better, and he’s going to be fine.”

Something in Bobby’s words didn’t feel right, but Buck lost grasp of what it was as he stared intently at Eddie, and watched the rise and fall of his chest. Buck dug his fingers into the covers of his blanket, his grip tight.

“Buck, he’s going to be fine, okay?” Bobby said again.

Buck understood what Bobby’s words were saying, but it was hard to be convinced when Eddie was looking so helpless, so fragile. And it was all Buck could do to stare at the screen, at the sight of Eddie (alive), until he was struggling to keep his eyes open.

He sagged heavily against his pillows as slowly, Bobby’s words sank in, and relief began to wash over him. 

Buck’s eyes slipped closed. Eddie was alive. 

Eddie was alive.

Eddie was alive, and he was going to be fine. 

Everything was alright again, and Buck focused on the thought of Eddie (alive!), repeating the words over and over in his head as darkness inched back over him.

They made it. They both made it. 

Slowly, Buck’s breathing evened out, and the world around him faded once more.

  
  


-

  
  


Maddie was nursing her third cup of coffee when she walked back into her brother’s room. 

Inside, Bobby was sitting at Buck’s bedside as her brother slept peacefully. Maddie passed the other cup of coffee in her hand to Bobby, and scanned Buck's vital readings and chart, reassuring herself that Buck was doing fine, before she took the seat across from Bobby.

“How’s he doing?” Maddie asked, studying her brother’s pale face, and the scattering of tape bandaging his cuts. It had been almost two days since the accident, and Buck was starting to wake up more and more. She knew he was going to be alright, but it didn’t make it easier to see him like this, her usually loud and excitable Buck, so quiet and still.

“He woke up for a bit a little while ago,” Bobby said, taking a sip of his drink. “Kid almost died and all he could ask about was Eddie.”

“He really loves Eddie,” Maddie said softly. Between the hell he’d gone through and the heavy drugs in his system, It wasn’t the first time Buck had woken up with Eddie’s name on his lips, and his freshest, most terrifying memories at the forefront of his mind. Maddie couldn't imagine what his dreams were like, if he was even dreaming at all.

“Yeah,” Bobby said. “He does.”

They didn’t talk about the implications of those words, though all of them had heard by now, Josh’s description of how Buck refused to stay in place while Eddie was missing, Chimney and Lena’s account of how the pair had been all but cuddling when they'd found them. More than that, they each had their own memories. They’d seen the way that Buck and Eddie inevitably gravitated toward each other whenever they were both in the same space. Watched the ebb and flow of their relationship as each new trial only made their connection stronger. Witnessed the way they looked at each other, with so much hesitation and unspoken longing, all those times the other wasn’t looking.

None of them had ever pushed, even as they watched the pair dance around each other. They’d hinted, teased, joked and gossiped far too much behind their backs. But they knew that at the day’s end, both of them had to be ready. It was up to them to tear down that final wall.

She just hoped they’d get the chance to do it.

Putting her empty drink aside, Maddie leaned forward, and stroked back the messy strands of her brother’s hair. She remembered doing this, back when they were kids, and the sound of their parents’ fighting had kept them both up, when a tiny Buck would slip into her room and climb into bed with her. He had been so small then, with his big blue eyes and pouting, wibbly lips. Now he was taller and bigger than she was, yet somehow he still managed to look just as fragile.

“Hang in there, baby brother,” she said, her hand tightening around Buck’s. “Don’t go anywhere, alright?”

  
  


-

  
  


It was like someone had pressed fast forward on Maddie’s life. All her days started to blend together. She would finish her shift, go home and get refreshed, before going to the hospital to spend time with Buck, before going home again, then back to work, rinse and repeat. Days of recovery merged into weeks as Buck’s condition fluctuated, positive progress set back as he was struck down with fever and an infection that at one point, risked his heart, and had to rely again on a ventilator to keep him breathing.

But Buck was strong, he was a fighter, and Maddie didn’t doubt him for a single second as he fought his way back to them from the brink.

Every day, the others were there with her. Chimney, Hen, Bobby, Athena, even Eddie’s family and Lena, all of them were there at her side even when their parents were not. There was rarely a moment when she’d walk into her brother’s room to find him alone. Some days, Christopher would be sprawled on Buck’s bed, scribbling another get well card with his crayons because Daddy had abuela with him and he didn’t want Buck to get lonely. Other times, it was Hen, holding Buck’s hand between hers and whispering stories to him about the day’s calls and misadventures. Chimney was there too whenever Maddie was, and they’d share embarrassing stories with each other about the younger Buckley, waiting for the day Buck would wake up and tell them to stop.

Eddie, too, was getting the same love, even if he was never awake to know it. Each time she visited, she’d see the bookmark move deeper through the book Bobby was reading aloud to him, some true crime novel Bobby had recommended that Eddie had always said he hadn’t gotten around to reading. And every now and then, she’d catch glimpses of Isabel or Josephina, rosaries in their hands as they prayed for Eddie’s recovery. More and more artworks and cards were adorning his wall, from Christopher and Denny and Harry and both of Eddie’s families.

Every day, Buck and Eddie were surrounded by the people who loved them.

And it meant that Maddie was there, the day Buck woke up again after his fever finally went down, and his infection had cleared. It meant that she got to watch her brother break all over again when he learned that Eddie’s injuries had been more severe than any of them had hoped, and that they weren’t sure if he’d ever wake up again. 

The others had made jokes, every now and then, about how Buck was part golden retriever. At the time Maddie had laughed along, because yes, she could see it too. Buck was eager to please and loyal to a fault, and when he did the wide-eyed sad puppy thing it was hard for anyone to say no to him. Her brother wore his heart on his sleeve and everyone loved him for his goodness.

It had been one thing to witness the way her brother had haunted Abby’s apartment for months after the woman had abandoned him. But it wasn’t until those days of Buck’s recovery, as he first repeatedly snuck from his bed to check on Eddie, and then as his condition improved, settled himself in what seemed like a permanent chair at Eddie’s bedside, that Maddie came to appreciate just how loyal her brother truly was.

Maddie loved Eddie in her own way, the same way she loved Josh and Hen and Athena and Bobby. Maddie wanted Eddie to live. And she didn’t want to lose him in the same way she didn’t want to lose any piece of her newfound family. But the way Buck loved Eddie… 

Her brother didn't deserve this kind of pain, but it didn't mean that devastation didn't find him anyway.

Maddie needed Eddie to live, because she couldn’t imagine what it would do to Buck, if he ever one day woke up in a world without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had really thought I was going to finish this in four parts, but then I tripped and spilled firefam feels everywhere so uh, looks like we'll be going into part five, folks. This is already the longest chapter to date so. Thanks for bearing with me.
> 
> As always, your comments keep me sustained. It's always so precious to know that people are still reading, so please don't hesitate to let me know your thoughts, even if it's as simple as an emoji. :D


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Buck is the golden retriever waiting for his human to ~~come home~~ wake up again.

Buck had never been the patient type. Ever since he was a kid he had been the restless sort, always scribbling in his books, making weird noises, or throwing balls of paper at other kids - much to the annoyance of his teachers and parents. It had gotten him into trouble more times than he could count. As an adult, his restlessness had changed forms, to bouncing legs and spinning pens and doing stupid things without thinking. And now it was Bobby and the 118 bemoaning that Buck was making them lose years of their life worrying about him. 

Bobby had commented something about his generation and instant gratification, a long time ago, back when sex was Buck’s drug of choice. Buck’s impatience had almost cost him his job, and then his 118 family, and thinking back on a few of the close calls in his life, possibly a limb or two.

Now, however, Buck thought he could wait forever. All along, there had been a well of patience in him he’d never known existed until the present. He could wait as long as he needed if it meant Eddie was next to him, that Eddie was alive, and that he was going to wake up. 

And it annoyed him endlessly that wanting to wait was somehow getting him into similar trouble.

First it was the doctors and nurses, who wouldn’t stop harassing him to go back to his room and get back into bed even though he was feeling _perfectly fine_ and was just about to leave anyway. And then it was the _entire_ 118, telling him he was still recovering, that he shouldn’t be pushing himself, as though Buck was trying to run marathons instead of just sitting peacefully at Eddie’s bedside. And then sometimes he’d slip into Eddie’s room only to find Pepa or abuela there and they’d either give him this _look,_ or say ‘ _Bucky_ ’ in this warning tone (or both) that had him slinking back to his bed again.

The only one who supported him was Christopher, who would shout ‘Buck!’ whenever he saw him, and beam so brightly as he pulled him into the room to sit. And whoever was there with him, usually Carla, would get this expression on their face that made Buck think maybe Christopher wasn’t smiling so much these days, when he wasn’t with his Dad and his Buck.

The days rolled by with countless games of hide-and-seek, where Buck would hide in Eddie’s room and no one ever failed to seek him there. Buck slowly got better. His scars were healing and he could move around farther and for longer without feeling like collapsing. He tagged along whenever the doctors had an update about Eddie’s condition, and listened when told about brain scans and neural activity. Eddie was breathing on his own now, and he would twitch, sometimes, or murmur nonsensical things, soft sighs that made Buck wonder what he was dreaming. They said that it was good news.

Buck had his own good days and bad days, ones where he struggled to breathe without an oxygen mask, or felt so weary and sore he couldn’t quite manage getting out of bed. His infection made an attempt at a comeback, and he dozed for a few days, fitful and feverish, as he was put on a new course of treatment.

But Buck got better, as he always did. And eventually, everyone stopped fighting Buck when he tried to visit Eddie, and let him hang out with his best friend. It was embarrassing, but also sort of sweet, when the staff started bringing him his lunch in Eddie’s room instead of his own. And for once, he didn’t fight with the doctors to get released as early as possible. 

Usually, Buck sat by Eddie’s bedside. Sometimes they listened to podcasts together, whatever Buck wanted, because if Eddie wanted to complain he had to be awake to do it. Other times he read aloud, or listened to an audiobook. Sometimes he’d sit there and talk about whatever came into his head, things the others had told him during their visits, new facts he’d dug up on the internet, or whatever was on the news lately.

Sometimes, Buck just sat there, too tired to talk, to think. Sometimes he picked up Eddie’s hand when no one was looking, and played with his long fingers, bending and unbending them, tangling their digits together. Sometimes he drew patterns along Eddie’s arm and across the back of his hand, doodled words he couldn't say like he was ten years old. Sometimes he started crying for no reason.

Eddie’s family flew down from El Paso, and then left again, one by one, as work or family or life obligations came knocking at their door. People surrounded Buck, from every day, to every week, to sometimes not even that. Buck didn’t think anyone was losing hope, but people’s lives had to go on. The members of their little family had responsibilities of their own. They couldn’t just put their lives on pause to wait for Eddie, and Buck understood that. 

So it was sort of good that Buck couldn’t live his own life right now, because he hated the idea that Eddie might wake up one day to find himself completely alone. 

Throughout it all, there was one neverending constant. And Buck’s best and the worst days were the ones that he spent with Christopher. As Buck recovered further, and grew stronger, abuela and Carla and Pepa became comfortable with leaving them unattended for a few hours at a time. And in that period, Christopher would tell him and Eddie all about school and his friends. They’d play card games together over Eddie’s bed, and Buck helped him make new art to put onto Eddie’s wall. 

_“Do you think Daddy will wake up soon? I miss him.”_

_“I know, Christopher, I miss him too.”_

Sometimes, Christopher would throw himself into Buck’s arms and just stay there, and Buck would squeeze him tight in a hug.

_“I’m really glad you’re here, Bucky.”_

_“I wasn’t going to abandon my favorite Diaz, now was I?”_

_“Promise you’ll never leave?”_

When Christopher was there, grinning at him, endlessly optimistic, it seemed like everything would be alright. Sometimes, it seemed like only he and Christopher knew.

_“Do you think we can go to the zoo, when Daddy wakes up?”_

_“Yes! We should go see the elephants! And feed the giraffes!”_

_“Yeah!”_

Buck and Christopher knew. Eddie was going to wake up.

  
  


-

  
  


When it happened for the first time, it was simple. 

Buck was draped over the bed, half-listening as his phone taught them about the scandalous history of the American railroads. He liked the content of the podcast, but sometimes the speaker’s voice veered onto the wrong side of droning, and it was hard to stay focused. Eddie, his head now free from bandages, slept peacefully beside him.

The podcast was making some point about the exploitation of immigrant workers. A wave of sleepiness washed over Buck, and he closed his eyes, letting out a slow breath, wondering if he’d get in trouble if he fell asleep beside Eddie again.

When Buck opened his eyes, and looked sleepily up at Eddie, he found himself staring into a pair of confused brown eyes.

Buck shot up from his chair.

“Eddie?” Buck breathed, eyes wide with delight. “Hey!”

A giant grin split across Buck’s face. Buck felt like he could fly, he had never been so happy. Not when he finally moved out from home, not when he graduated from the academy, not when he got permission to return to the 118 after months of battling his injury. He had been waiting _so long_ and Eddie was finally, _finally_ awake. This was it, this was the happiest moment of his life. 

Eddie just stared at him. Buck watched, not daring to breathe, waiting for Eddie to say something, do something, anything.

“Buck?” Eddie said, his voice a hoarse rasp Buck could barely make out.

“Yes! You’re awake! This is great, it’s amazing, awesome.” Buck rambled, not knowing what to do with his hands that didn’t involve flailing. “Okay! I, uh, I need to go get the doctors. Hold on, alright? Don’t go back to sleep again.”

He stood there a moment longer, torn between the sight of Eddie (alive! awake!) and the knowledge that he should go get somebody right this second.

Responsibility won out, and Buck dashed from the room to find the nurses.

By the time he returned with medical staff, Eddie was asleep again.

  
  


-

  
  


It was the best possible news, and it sent ripples across his family as soon as Buck sent out the messages. His phone blew up with responses, gifs, and emojis. All at once, Eddie’s room was being flooded with visitors again, day and night, everyone beaming and happy. For days, Buck felt like he was floating, excited yet also impatient for Eddie to make progress.

Eddie woke up again, and again, more and more coherent each time, though he never remembered waking up all the times before. The doctors said it was normal, that his brain was getting used to processing stimuli, to being awake again, and that with luck, he would start to retain new memories the more he healed. They gave them estimations and timeframes, from optimistic to realistic to the worst case scenario, until all of their heads were spinning from information overload.

It didn’t mean Buck didn’t also scour the internet for everything there was to know about traumatic brain injuries. He read everything he could find, and stumbled through complex jargon he struggled to comprehend even with a dictionary. In the end, he had a jumble of statistics in his head all underlined by the statement that each case was different. Outcomes of brain injuries varied wildly and was hard to predict. Perhaps, like Chimney, Eddie would go on to make a full recovery with no lasting effects.

Or perhaps he would be left with a permanent disability, cognitive impairments, sensory problems, epilepsy, memory issues…

There was no way to know for sure, not until Eddie found out himself.

  
  


-

  
  


Buck got discharged on a Wednesday, and both Maddie and Chimney were there to pick him up. Maddie stood beside him as the doctor ran them through a list of prescriptions, precautions, and things to look out for. And then, at long last, papers were signed, and Buck was a free man again.

He posed with Maddie outside the hospital, and Chimney snapped a photo with a grin before giving Buck back his phone.

“Okay, thanks guys!” Buck beamed, shooting the photo off into the 118 group chat before he started turning back toward the hospital. “You already have my keys right? Just drop the stuff off for me and I’ll see you later.”

“Wait what?” “Buck?”

Buck froze, and turned around to find Maddie and Chimney gaping at him from the sidewalk with twin looks of bewilderment.

“I’m just gonna…” He made a vague motion toward the hospital, toward Eddie. “Look just, drop my stuff off. I’ll take an Uber back later.”

“Wow.” “You’re unbelievable.”

Buck inched backward, expecting to fight for his right to visit his best friend if necessary. But all Maddie did was roll her eyes, and Chimney shook his head at him with exaggerated disappointment before he picked up Buck’s bags and turned to go. 

“Message me later then, okay?” Maddie said with a wave. “I’ll come pick you up. If you dare to get into an Uber I’m kicking your ass back into the hospital.”

“Yeah, but he probably wants that, you know?” Chimney quipped.

They walked off without a fight, and left Buck where he was. Buck stared after them for a moment, dumbfounded by the complete lack of resistance, before bursting into a smile and turning back into the hospital.

Hours later, Maddie came to pick him up, all huffy and smiley, and spent the entire trip back giving him long, meaningful looks that Buck was too tired to decipher.

  
  


-

  
  


Walking back into his apartment after almost a month away was a surreal experience. The air inside was stale, and the space seemed too big, too empty, too cold. Buck had become so used to the inside of the hospital, his own apartment felt like it belonged to someone else. More than anything, it was the quiet that disconcerted him. The familiar buzzing and beeping of machines, the low chatter of staff and patients in the background, all of it was missing. 

Buck wandered around, staring at his things and the layer of dust that covered most of it. Something felt off but Buck couldn't quite place it. It was like something was missing, like Buck had maybe forgotten some part of himself down in that ravine, or in the halls of the hospital. He felt strangely hollow inside, like a tree that had been struck by lightning, his insides burned away by fire even as on the outside, he looked perfectly normal.

Maddie clattered around, sending him off to have a shower, to have food, and then straight to bed. She made sure he took his pills and drank plenty of water, before leaving him with yet another glass of water on the nightstand and his phone charging on the power cable. Only after extracting what seemed like half a dozen promises (“I promise to call if I need anything”), did she finally leave him alone with the darkness.

Buck’s body was exhausted, but his mind was buzzing. For hours, he lay in bed and tried to will himself to sleep, but his thoughts spun one way then another, with no fixed theme or purpose. It wasn’t until somewhere in the early hours of the morning that he finally drifted off.

He woke up screaming Eddie’s name, heart racing, soaked in a cold sweat, not remembering what he’d dreamed.

  
  


-

  
  


Buck had another month of medical leave and nothing better to do with his time, so he spent it with Eddie. It was easy and familiar, sitting with him during the day with something playing in the background. Buck was learning so many things and getting through so many books he felt like he could become smarter than Hen by the time he got back.

So there he was, on a sunny Tuesday afternoon, half sprawled across Eddie’s legs as he scrolled through his phone for a new podcast to try out. When a familiar voice sounded in the quiet.

“Hey.” 

Buck froze, and looked up from his phone to find Eddie smiling down at him, eyes warm and soft.

“Hey yourself,” Buck said, a smile stretching across his face as he slowly straightened.

Eddie was staring at Buck like he wasn’t sure he was real, or he wasn’t sure why he was there. Then, he seemed to finally notice where he was, and looked around himself without comprehension before his confused gaze settled back on Buck. “What...”

Buck watched him, hesitant.

“What happened to your face?”

Buck’s eyes widened, and then he chuckled, remembering the cuts and scratches that hadn’t quite faded into pale scars yet. The branches had whipped him good on his way down.

“Have you seen yourself lately?” Buck said instead of answering the question.

“Do I want to know?”

“You’re still pretty, if that helps.”

“Then I guess nothing else matters,” Eddie sighed, his eyes slipping closed again for a brief moment, before they opened again.

Buck let out a breath, but didn’t say anything, not trusting his voice. He stared at Eddie, alive and animated, trying to commit it all to memory. He was so sick of his dreams playing a thousand and one visions of Eddie cold, unmoving, dying.

Dead.

Eddie blinked at him slowly. “You’re holding my hand.” 

“I am.” Buck said, not moving his hand from Eddie’s. 

“It’s nice,” Eddie murmured.

Buck’s grip tightened. “How much do you remember?”

“Uh,” Eddie blinked at him, eyes widening, then frowned. “We were… in the station? Chimney was telling some story. Something about… karaoke night?”

Buck looked down, his expression blank. “That happened three days before you got hurt.”

Eddie’s brow furrowed as Buck’s words slowly sank in. “Have we… had this conversation before?”

“Maybe?” Buck said, wondering if Eddie was starting to remember. “Yes.”

Eddie groaned, then cursed. “How long was I out?”

Buck let go of Eddie then, and held up six fingers.

Eddie squinted at him. “Six days?”

Buck made a face.

“Wait… six weeks?” Eddie’s expression shifted into alarm.

Buck nodded, expression blank.

Eddie didn’t seem to know what to do with the revelation, he blinked, then started looking around him. “Is Chris-”

“He’s at school.”

Eddie stared at Buck for a moment, then sagged back into the pillow, uncertain. “It was bad, huh?”

“That’s one way to put it.”

“What… what happened?”

Buck gave Eddie the short version, cutting out all the drama and terror and the pain. He was trying to get to a vehicle that had fallen into a ravine. The rope snapped, and then he fell.

Eddie, perhaps too exhausted, perhaps too overwhelmed, or maybe just too drugged, lay there and quietly listened.

“I’m… really glad you’re back, Eddie.” Buck said quietly at the end of it all. His hand was loosely curled around Eddie’s again, and he could almost sense the soft ba-bump of Eddie's heartbeat beneath the skin.

Eddie just looked at him blankly, still confused, or perhaps in shock by it all. 

“I… I’ll go get the doctor.” Buck said, smiling weakly, and forced himself to let go.

This time, Eddie was still awake when Buck showed up with the doctor in tow.

  
  


-

  
  


Eddie spent more and more time awake. Word spread that his memory was improving, and before long he was receiving another new flood of visitors. For a few days, Buck stayed at home, conscious of the crowd and thinking of how Eddie must be feeling overwhelmed. But the truth was, he wasn’t sure he could handle being in the same room as a functioning, awake Eddie, not while Bobby or Chimney or Pepa or any of the others were there too. He didn’t know what he was scared of, whether it was saying the wrong thing, saying too much, too little, or what the others might try to tell Eddie. Buck just knew that he couldn’t be there when Eddie found out the full story of what happened, knew he couldn’t handle the questions, the press for details. It was bad enough in his dreams, he didn’t need any of it dragged out into the light for the entire 118 to scrutinize.

For weeks, he had wanted nothing more than for Eddie to wake up, so why did he feel even more terrified now that Eddie was back?

Days passed, and he sulked about in his apartment, scrolling through Netflix, skipping through video games, and binging on takeout. He ignored the confused and then concerned messages from everyone else wondering where he was, and replied just enough to keep the 118 from collectively descending upon his apartment. He kept himself in stubborn isolation right up until the need to see Eddie took over him again, and became the only thing he could think about.

By the time he finally went back to the hospital, almost a week had passed. And of all the things Buck had expected when he and Eddie saw each other again, he didn’t expect the shouting, or the fury in Eddie's eyes.

“Were you going to tell me that you were also there? That we fell _together_? That you’re hurt?”

Buck had slipped in during the daytime, at an hour he knew all the others were either on shift, at school, or running errands. There were only the two of them in the hospital room, and Buck didn’t know what to do with the tremor in Eddie's voice, or his white-knuckled grip on his sheets.

“I-I’m sorry,” Buck said. He wasn’t sure what he should say but an apology seemed right. “I'm fine now, Eddie.”

“That’s not how Bobby, or Chimney, or even _Chris_ told it.”

Buck blanked. He’d expected the others might have filled Eddie in on the rest of the story, but what had they actually said? How much did Eddie know? The flaw in his plan to avoid being around for the conversation was abruptly dragged to light.

“Well I didn’t… lie.” Buck said, scrambling for a way out. 

“No, just left out everything else that was important.” Eddie’s glare threatened to murder Buck where he was standing.

“I know I… I’m sorry.” Buck just stood there stiffly, not sure if he should sit down or maybe turn around and leave and come back when Eddie wasn’t so mad anymore. He didn’t explain that he was trying to save Eddie from needless worry, knowing it would only upset him more.

“I mean, you hung up on 911? What were you thinking?”

Did Josh tell him that? Maddie? “Well-”

“And were you going to tell me about your chest injury? Or the infection? You almost died, Buck.”

“I jus-”

“All those things that you did...” Eddie said, his voice suddenly breaking. “Why didn’t you tell me? What happened down there?”

Buck realized, all of a sudden, that Eddie’s eyes were wet. But the thought fell to the wayside as he remembered the burning pain, the cold and rain. The fear, the confusion, the agonizing silence. _I’m going to try and get as much of this off of you as I can, okay?_ Eddie, bloodied, pale, still, dead. The freezing terror and desperation that hadn’t left him since the moment he opened his eyes down in that ravine, that was still right there, roiling away in the deep dark recesses of his mind, waiting to come out screaming.

“Look, can we please not do this?” Buck said, with a quiver in his voice he hadn't meant to let slip. He didn’t need Eddie to remind him about what happened down there, to make him feel guilty for doing what he needed to keep him alive. Buck would never have changed anything, no matter how many chances he got.

Silence fell between them. Eddie stared at Buck, taken aback, mouth half-open to say something more.

Buck stood his ground, chest heaving, and gave up on trying to hide how upset he was.

Eddie blinked, and looked away, pausing as he seemed to suddenly realize what he had been doing. Then, he sighed, and closed his eyes. “Buck. Look, I… I’m sorry. You didn't deserve that. I shouldn’t have blown up at you like that.” 

“It’s okay.” Buck said weakly, exhausted all of a sudden.

“No, no Buck, it’s not. Look, I just…” Eddie swallowed convulsively, struggling to put his words together.

Buck didn’t want Eddie to hurt like this. It didn’t matter. Buck did some stupid things and lied by omission and Eddie had a right to be angry, even if he didn’t need to be a dick about it. “Look, I get it.”

“I’m sorry for yelling at you,“ Eddie said.

“And I forgive you,” Buck said, desperate to move on. “How… How are you feeling?

Eddie took a breath and opened his mouth, staring at Buck, searching his eyes for something. And Buck didn’t know how to give him what he was looking for. Buck could see that there was more that Eddie wanted to say, but it was nothing Buck wanted to hear, and he tensed, despite himself.

Eddie’s gaze dropped. “Fine, all things considered.” And it was like he hadn't just been shouting at Buck a minute ago

Buck let out a breath. This he could deal with. This was the familiar, stubborn Eddie who pretended he was okay when he actually was not. “But also…?”

Eddie glanced over at Buck, and his lips quirked in a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it smile as he rolled his eyes at him.

Buck inched closer, and folded himself into the chair.

“Confused? I suppose?” Eddie admitted. “I- It’s- One moment I was in the firehouse, joking and laughing with you guys, and then it’s like I blinked and woke up like this. And everyone’s been telling me about how we- How you-” 

Buck slowly reached out, and wrapped his hand around Eddie’s arm. Eddie looked at the point of contact, and stared like he didn’t know what he was feeling.

“You almost died, Buck. You saved my life,” Eddie said softly.

“We have each other’s backs, remember?” Buck offered awkwardly, not quite knowing how to cheer Eddie up again, how to make him not look so broken. 

It was the wrong thing to say, and Buck felt a stab of panic as Eddie just looked even more shattered at his words. 

“Yeah,” Eddie laughed weakly. “You certainly had _my_ back, I’ve learned that much.”

Eddie’s pulse was a fast staccato beat against Buck’s fingertips (Eddie is alive), and Buck’s grip tightened.

“I just… hate that I don’t remember any of it.” Eddie said quietly. “That I have to find it all out from other people, and somehow it still doesn’t feel real.”

“That’s probably a good thing,” Buck said, stumbling blindly in an attempt to cheer Eddie up. “It’s not exactly pleasant.”

Something shook in Buck’s voice as he said those last words, and his tone fell a mile short of the levity he was aiming for.

Worry immediately darkened Eddie’s eyes, and he turned his gaze on Buck. “Buck, do you…?”

“Yeah, I remember. All of it.” Buck laughed, though it sounded closer to a sob. He supposed there was no point in hiding it. “Not sure I can forget it, actually.”

“Buck-”

“Look, I’ll be _fine_.” Buck interrupted before Eddie could say anything, insistent. “That’s what therapists are for, right?”

Eddie frowned. “Are you… seeing someone?”

“Yeah,” Buck said with exaggerated cheer. “I mean, sooner or later, right? I’m pretty sure that needs to happen if I want to go back to work.”

“Have you talked to Bobby?”

“Well, not yet...”

They shifted to lighter topics then, though the conversation was still stilted. Eddie looked weary and worn, but he was doing better, and that’s what Buck chose to hold onto. They talked about Christopher, about sports scores, about all the news Eddie had missed while he was out of commission. They assessed the quality of Eddie’s collection of children’s pictures on the wall and decided which ones he would take home when he got discharged.

_"You know, I think my favourite is the one with the blue dog, it looks pretty cute.”_

_“Oh! That’s Bluey! It’s this cartoon that Christopher is super into. It’s actually pretty good, you should give it a watch sometime.”_

_“I’m not sure I’m part of the target audience the same way you are, Buck.”_

_“I’m going to let that one go, but only because you’re literally in a hospital bed right now.”_

It was easy chatter, almost like what they used to do at the station, back before the call that had turned into disaster. Buck told Eddie everything he could. And never said anything about the way he was relieved that Eddie didn’t remember what had happened. He didn’t want Eddie to live with the same memories he did, to have a newfound fear of the dark and the cold, to wake up shaking and crying and searching for something too far out of reach. Buck was happy to be alone with those nightmares.

By the time Buck left, they had fallen back into their easy rhythm, and he thought maybe, just maybe, everything will really be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have enough written to just end the fic if this was pre-slash, but nope, I set myself a goal and we’re going to get to that first kiss. So buckle up because my final part became two became three chapters and now we got two more chapters incoming. Just a few more scenes, really. This is purely my own fault for deciding as I wrote that they hadn’t quite earned the confession yet, not quite yet, not when there’s more to explore, more feelings to talk about.
> 
> I am laughing at my past self for thinking I’d get this done in around 10k words, now I’d be happy if I can finish this in under 30k. Wish me luck. The remainder is mostly written so I’ll hopefully get the rest out to you guys before the end of this week.
> 
> As always, your comments make my day each time I receive them, any thoughts or words you have to share would be a delight.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Eddie experiences many feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thanks again to each person who has commented. I refresh AO3 an embarassing amount of times each time hoping someone has left a word or two, and I mean it when I say each one makes my day. I hope you enjoy this new chapter.

Recovery was never going to be a pleasant experience, Eddie knew that much from his previous near-brushes with mortality. But this time, for the first time, it was bearable. The modern facilities of an LA hospital were already miles ahead of an Afghanistan field hospital. But the real difference was made by the people around him. Abuela showed up every other day with tupperware containers, claiming that the mass produced gruel the hospital served was ‘not for human consumption’. Christopher was there, each day after school, doing his homework on a little table next to him. Buck and the rest of the 118 also constantly swung by to keep him company. If it wasn’t for the fact that Eddie could barely move unassisted from the bed, he could almost pretend it was an at-home holiday.

The doctors put him through a slew of tests, and at each turn, seemed pleased with his progress. Eddie wasn’t quite the medical miracle of Chimney surviving rebar through the head. But having learned the details of his injuries, Eddie was happy with just being alive. And he could live with the episodes of dizziness, as well as painful migraines that would hit him out of the blue. The fact that he had managed to break both his legs left him with the bleak promise of agonizing physical therapy, but he was going to be back on his feet. Even the minor fractures he’d suffered in the fall had mostly healed thanks to the weeks he spent unconscious. Though the lack of exercise had left him with significantly less strength than he was used to, even that was only temporary. Eddie was getting better.

But with the amount of hovering Buck did, Eddie had a feeling that Buck wouldn’t object to spoon-feeding him if that was what Eddie needed.

Eddie had worried, for all of a split-second, that he had gone and irretrievably screwed up their friendship when he let his anger get the better of himself. His replacement phone had been still in the mail. And with no easy way to contact Buck, Eddie had spent the better part of the week stewing in his worry and confusion until all of it came out in the ugliest way possible. 

But Buck was… Buck. He forgave Eddie on the spot without asking for any explanation or apology, before Eddie had even considered forgiving himself. And then he was there all the time, every day, cheering him on and keeping him company, even though it wasn’t his job to keep Eddie entertained. Eddie wasn’t sure what he’d done to earn all of this, but it seemed as though he could rely on Buck for anything. And the steady reassurance Buck offered just by being there at his side was becoming a dangerously addicting comfort. 

And then, there was what the staff kept telling Eddie whenever they came to check on him. As the days rolled by, Eddie had struck up something like a camaraderie with his medical carers, and it was refreshing to have a conversation with someone who wasn’t family, a neutral stranger who didn’t know him and wouldn’t judge him.

“You know, your husband has been here every single day, since even before you woke up,” Julie told him as she made records of his vitals. “He is such a sweetheart. I wish my husband was half as devoted as your Buck is, but honestly, it’s hard to get his ass off the couch on a good day.”

“Your son is very cute with your partner,” Jason commented as he passed Eddie his medication. “It’s ridiculous whenever you hear people say that gay people can’t be good parents, as though a straight couple can’t be completely dysfunctional. Did you guys adopt? Or-”

“I’m impressed you manage to work beside your spouse,” Ling said, as she drew Eddie’s blood for a new round of tests. “If Kevin and I were both in the same hospital we’d probably have killed each other ten times over by now.”

Eddie didn’t know what to say to any of that.

And he wasn’t sure what it meant, when he didn’t bother to correct any of them.

  
  


-

  
  


Three days before Eddie was due to be released, Buck smuggled bags of Chinese food into the hospital. 

Eddie watched, feeling like the luckiest man alive, as Buck opened his bag and laid out the containers with a broad grin. Beside Eddie, Christopher cheered, and Buck talked to him encouragingly with a soft smile that hit Eddie’s straight in the centre of his heart. The aroma was heavenly. And Eddie was already drooling at the thought of chow mein and sweet and sour pork after weeks of mostly bland hospital fare, even if he was having trouble taking his eyes off of the man who brought it.

“I think I could kiss you,” Eddie sighed without thinking. Though the thought was hardly new, he rarely had the opportunity to voice it.

Buck darted embarrassed glances at him as he laid out the cutlery, and Eddie didn’t look away for a second, his face set with teasing affection and gratitude. 

“Can I have some potstickers?” Chris said. 

Eddie ruffled Chris’ hair with a smile. “Only if you save some for us.”

They eagerly tucked into their meal. Buck was weirdly quiet and thoughtful as he ate, but Eddie was too busy stuffing his face to really comment. Instead, he made unashamed noises and faces of appreciation as chewed, which earned him a handful of pleased looks from Buck. Abuela, Pepa, and the others had made an effort to keep him well-fed, but sometimes there was just this itch that only greasy takeout food could scratch.

“ _Man_ , I’ve missed this stuff,” Eddie announced, half-way through the meal.

“I can bring some again tomorrow,” Buck said in between bites, eyes bright as he looked toward Eddie. “What do you feel like? Thai? Italian?”

Eddie’s chest felt so full it could burst, and a smile rose to his lips. “You know that you’ve been discharged, right? You don’t have to keep doing this.”

Buck shrugged. “I like doing this. Being in hospital sucks, man. And it’s not like there’s anyone to eat with back in my apartment.”

“So you’re doing this for yourself? Is that what it is?”

Buck, honest to God, blushed. “Fine, I won’t bring you takeout tomorrow.”

“Hey, don’t be hasty.”

Beside him, Chris was grinning. “You guys are so silly.”

“What food do you feel like, huh?” Eddie activated his secret weapon - Christopher Diaz. “If you let Buck know, he will bring it for us tomorrow.”

“Oh! Can we have donuts?”

Eddie chuckled. “Mijo, that’s not dinner.”

Buck was being quiet, and Eddie looked over at him to find him staring at the two of them with a strange, lost look on his face. Eddie tilted his head in a question, and Buck blinked, shifting back to normal so fast that Eddie wondered if he’d just imagined what he saw.

“I can definitely bring donuts,” Buck said with a wave of his chopsticks, grinning at Chris.

“No,” Eddie groaned. “He’s never going to go to bed if he has an entire donut this late.”

“But Daddy! You said I could ask for what I wanted.”

“Oh, I know,” Buck said, “how about I bring some for you after school, and then we’ll save one for your Dad to have after dinner?”

Chris burst into a grin, and started cheering again as Eddie sighed dramatically.

The entirety of dinner passed with light-hearted banter, until all of them were so full they could barely move. Buck started cleaning up the mess with Christopher’s help, and Eddie watched the two with a soft smile on his face as he passed over whatever was nearby. Chris was quieting down too, the night’s excitement catching up to him after a busy day at school.

“So, what do you plan to do with all your time at home?” Buck asked as he stacked the empty food containers.

Eddie hummed as he thought. “Dunno, actually. Maybe I can finally find time to read a book?”

“Well if you want recommendations-”

“Wait. When did you learn how to read?” Eddie made a face of shock.

Buck hurled a balled-up napkin at his head, and Eddie laughed as it bounced and rolled onto the floor.

“Daddy, don’t be mean to Buck!”

“I’m sorry mijo, I’m just teasing.” Eddie said, turning to Chris, one hand raised in appeasement. “Buck knows I love him.”

There was a clatter as the used cutlery spilled onto the floor, and Buck mumbled a curse as he dropped to his knees to collect them.

“Hey,” Eddie said upon hearing the bad word.

“Sorry Chris.” Buck’s voice drifted up from beneath Eddie’s bed.

“It’s okay Bucky,” Chris said, laughing.

Buck was scrabbling around on the floor, and Eddie craned over his bed to see him. “You alright down there?”

“Fine.”

Buck, after what felt like a full minute of scrummaging for dropped utensils and napkins, ended his adventure with a _thunk_ as he hit his head against Eddie’s bed frame on his way back up. Buck hissed, face scrunched up in pain as his hand flew to the back of his head, and Eddie burst into laughter.

For a long second, Buck stared at both Diazes, mouth open with an expression of hurt and outrage as Eddie and Chris doubled over laughing. Eddie shook his head at Buck helplessly.

Then, Buck’s shoulders started to shake, and he was laughing too.

  
  


-

  
  


Eddie was discharged on a bright sunny day, the sky a vivid blue as cotton candy clouds drifted lazily across. Chris, Buck, Pepa and abuela were all there to help him, and his newly set up phone had been blowing up since the night before with messages from the 118 and his family back in El Paso.

Eddie, despite his initial physical therapy sessions, was still not quite at the level of walking unassisted. And he got to enjoy the unique embarrassment of exiting the hospital in a wheelchair. Eddie had expected Pepa to resist much more than she did when Buck offered to push Eddie, but she had simply let go when Buck insisted, and started fussing over the organization of his bag instead. The three flowed around Eddie a little too naturally, confirming supplies, passing around papers, leaving Eddie with nothing to do but watch Christopher.

“I’m never going to be rid of you, am I?” Eddie said on a whim, as Buck wheeled him into the fresh air after ignoring all of Eddie’s claims that he could do it himself.

“Never,” Buck grinned above him, eyes warm. “Never ever.”

“Ever?” Eddie raised a brow.

“Ever.”

There was a solemnity to Buck’s words that made the teasing smile fall from Eddie’s face. But Buck wasn’t looking at him anymore. He had Eddie’s bag slung over his shoulder, and started talking to Chris about dinner plans with a wide smile. Chris was bright eyed next to him and grinning so much it looked like it hurt. 

The last time Eddie had seen Chris so happy, he’d surprised him with a Christmas miracle in the shape of his long-absent mother.

Something about the moment filled Eddie with the same bittersweet longing. It wasn’t just the fact of seeing Buck and Chris, laughing and talking together like it was the most natural thing in the world. It wasn’t just how neither Pepa nor abuela seemed to question for a second the presence of Buck at their side. It wasn’t even the glaring evidence of how Buck fit seamlessly into his little LA family unit. 

It was something more than that, which left Eddie breathless, his chest so full it felt like something was about to overflow.

“We’ll see you soon, Eddito,”

Eddie nodded at his abuela as she left with Pepa to go get the car and bring it around. And then, it was only the three of them. Eddie sat in his wheelchair, feeling like his blood was buzzing, alight with something like longing, like need. He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he didn’t notice Buck shuffling around beside him until a drink bottle was waving in his face.

“Drink this.”

With a small huff of amusement, Eddie took the bottle, and gulped down some water, before nudging Christopher and passing it to him as well.

“Eat.” A granola bar, shoved at his face. 

Eddie smiled and took it, ripping open the packaging and taking a bite even though the food felt tasteless in his mouth. He watched Buck as he chewed. The man was staring in the direction of the parking lot, one hand shielding his eyes from the bright sun. The idiot never wore sunglasses no matter how many times Eddie mentioned it to him.

What was Eddie going to do with this? A best friend who would sacrifice his own time and wellbeing before he ever let Eddie down? An Evan Buckley who refused to leave his side, who looked after him and his son like a partner and a parent? What had Eddie ever done to deserve someone like Buck in his life? And how did he convince Buck that he wasn’t allowed to go? Not when he’d torn through every barrier Eddie had ever put up and then rearranged the core of Eddie’s existence so that it was impossible to picture a life without him?

“Buck?” Eddie opened his mouth, impulsive, reckless words at the tip of his tongue.

“Yeah?” Buck turned toward him with a wide grin, his eyes a startling blue as they caught the rays of the sun. He was beautiful, Eddie thought, though that word was far from enough to capture everything that Evan Buckley was.

Eddie stared at Buck, and forgot what he was going to say.

  
  


-

  
  


The silver lining of it all, if Eddie had to try and find one, was the time that he’d spent comatose had greatly reduced the amount of time he’d had to suffer casts and slings. Lying in bed unconscious for a month and a half had been great for his healing bones, but less than fantastic for his muscle tone. The casts had come off before he’d even left the hospital, and Eddie was shuffling around on crutches even as his family tried again and again to herd him back onto the sofa or chair or bed or nearest flat surface. Every day he was plied with food and water and blankets and then even more food. It was like abuela thought if she just fed Eddie enough, any issue with his health would simply fade away.

He’d been a little like that himself, with Maddie, Bobby, and the rest of the team, back when Buck had left the hospital after the truck incident. Though Buck, with his leg in a full cast and even more limited in mobility, had been far more of a stubborn moron than Eddie was being - at least by his own estimation. It was terrifying to be the one waiting when someone you loved survived an incident like this. And it was like you were compelled to make up for every inch of the helplessness you felt while others took over and decided their fate. Eddie didn’t begrudge his family for being a little bit overprotective.

Though it also meant that Eddie managed to steal almost all of the spotlight from the man of the hour during Buck’s ‘Welcome Back’ party.

The family had decided to hold it at Eddie’s, because no one was quite ready to tempt fate again after what had happened at Bobby and Athena’s last time. It saved Eddie the effort of having to get in and out of a car with dexterity he was still working on regaining. And so Buck got to endure hours of intensified teasing and celebrations under Eddie’s roof. 

_“It’s just ribbing, get it?”_

_“Chimney, for the love of God, stop.”_

Eddie got to answer the same three questions about his recovery over and over. He was doing fine. PT was hell, but he was gaining back his strength. And they were estimating another month, or two at most, before he’ll be back at work.

The party was nice, even though his house felt a bit lonelier afterward without Buck’s constant presence. Buck returned to work, and Eddie managed to keep himself mostly sane in between the exhausting physical therapy sessions and his efforts at making his recovery time productive. He made one attempt at baking cookies and came out with some sort of sugar cracker instead. And managed half a classic novel before he got so bored he went back to Netflix. The time between Chris going off to school in the morning and coming back in the afternoon was suffocating. And Eddie found himself looking forward most to when Buck would show up after a shift sometimes, either to catch up or just to say hi, as though he wasn’t already feeding Eddie a constant stream of updates throughout each day.

  
  


-

  
  


Then, Buck sent him a frowny faced selfie of himself with stitches along along his brow and the caption _‘ow’_ , his uniform covered in soot and dust.

Eddie responded at least four messages and had his finger hovering over the call button when Buck finally replied. 

_Got clipped by some metal. Think I could still get into the calendar?_

How was it that Buck kept getting hurt? And why was it that he never took his own injuries seriously? Didn’t he have any idea how Eddie worried about him? Eddie almost threw his phone at the wall before he realized how disproportionate his anger was, and forced himself to calm down. He typed out a reply and pressed send.

_Don’t worry, you’ll always be beautiful to me._

He stared at his phone, frowning and wondering if the words came across as too weird, when Buck’s response popped up. And then, Eddie was grinning dumbly at the heart-eyes emojis Buck had sent back until Carla asked him what he was so pleased about.

  
  


-

  
  


The next day, Eddie’s eagerness to get back to work and stubborn streak aligned in a deeply unhelpful way, and Eddie pushed himself too hard in his physical therapy session. 

He hated that so much of his strength and stamina had wasted away, leaving what had previously been simple feats a suddenly insurmountable challenge. He knew he was lucky, having been in top physical form before the accident thanks to his job and lifestyle, but his body had burned through his reserves and more in its efforts to heal, and the weeks of immobility meant his muscles had wasted from disuse. On some days he felt worse than useless, when Buck and the rest of the team were out there in life-threatening situations.

Over the past weeks Eddie had gained a new understanding of just how miserable Buck must have felt when he was laid up for months and then forbidden from returning to the 118. And Buck’s new injury had only spurred Eddie’s own need to return to work again. He wanted to be there, at Buck’s back, keeping an eye on the giant idiot so he didn’t do anything stupid.

Eddie left his physical therapy session feeling like death warmed over. Even worse than the fact that he was stumbling over his shaking legs, barely able to stand, Buck was the one who picked Eddie up and helped him from the therapy room to the car. Eddie had to pretend that he didn’t see the worried looks Buck cast his way the entire trip home. Yet though Eddie had expected an interrogation, Buck kept unusually quiet the whole time. Eddie was too busy wallowing in his own misery to ask after why.

When they arrived home, Eddie only managed a half-hearted greeting at Carla and Chris before vanishing into the shower. The heat and steam, though relaxing, also doubled his feeling of exhaustion, and Eddie barely survived the quick rinse off before he downed some painkillers and finally collapsed onto the couch. By then, Carla had gone home. And Buck and Chris were curled together over the dining table, pencils in hand as they tried to solve the mysteries of long division. Eddie closed his eyes and wished for a brand new body, because he was just about done with this one.

Eddie wasn’t sure when he’d fallen asleep. But when he woke, the house was dark and quiet, and something had a vice like grip around his wrist.

He looked down to find Buck sitting on the ground by his side, his hand wrapped around Eddie’s arm as he leaned into the couch, eyes downcast. He looked so tired and withdrawn, Eddie’s heart skipped a beat at the sight. He hadn’t seen Buck like this since Abby had broken his heart a second time.

“You okay?” Eddie said, his voice scratchy from sleep.

Buck looked up, a heavy sadness in his eyes that Eddie itched to erase somehow. For a moment, Buck was quiet, and Eddie watched him carefully, waiting for Buck to tell him what was wrong.

“I… I don’t know,” Buck said. “I think so? I mean. Eventually.”

Eddie shifted so he was sitting up, legs folded in front of him. He tugged at his wrist as he moved and Buck’s hand tightened almost instantly. Eddie glanced down, and didn’t pull away.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he said.

Buck let out a shaking breath, and kept staring at the floor. His other hand was worrying the fabric of his jeans, and for a moment, Eddie almost thought Buck wasn’t going to respond. 

“There were these visitors,” Buck said, “at the station today.”

Buck’s voice was so quiet Eddie had to strain to hear it. “Yeah?”

Buck nodded. “They were the… family, of the couple we tried to rescue.”

Buck’s words hit Eddie like a slap to the face, and he suddenly felt wide awake. He only knew what the others had told him, and none of it led to a happy ending. The pair in the blue car had been long dead by the time the 136 found them among the wreckage.

“They thanked me, us, really, for trying to help them.” Buck continued. “Even if in the end…”

“Buck…”

“And while I was talking to them… It just hit me. From the moment I woke up down there, I barely spared a single thought for the two people we’d gone down to rescue.”

Buck had never talked about this. Any time that night was brought up, he’d glossed over what happened, never going into detail. Eddie had all but given up on finding out the details of what happened from the one person who remembered it all. But he knew that Buck had been badly injured, yet he'd done everything he could to make sure Eddie made it through.

“You were _hurt_ , Buck,” Eddie said softly, hoping that something in his words would strike true. “And with a second fall like that, there was no way they could have survived. You were following protocol, right? Save the one with the best chances. That’s how we’ve always done it.”

“Couldn’t they though?” Buck laughed, something bitter and agonized. “They were protected by the shell of their vehicle, they had seat belts, chairs cushioning their fall. Hell, we fell what? Fifty feet? With pretty much no protection but a helmet, and here we are.”

They’d also been perfectly healthy before their ropes snapped, Eddie thought, though he knew that pointing that out wouldn’t be helpful right now. Buck’s was a familiar guilt, something that they’d all experienced. The question of what-if, if they’d just done things a bit differently, acted a bit quicker, smarter, been _better_ , then maybe a life could have been saved. 

Eddie had tried to remember what had happened that night more times than he could count. But all of it was lost to him as though it had never happened, and what he could remember felt more like the product of a desperate imagination than any concrete memory. Bobby had told him, in a quiet moment, how they suspected it had happened. How the cushion of branches, the rope’s elasticity upon tangling in the tree, the harness that was designed to evenly distribute weight across the body, how all of it had probably acted together to help save Buck’s life. Buck had never made impact with the hard ground the same way Eddie had. And Buck had been the only one down there capable of making any sort of call about who to save, to help. 

And he had made his choice. He’d chosen Eddie, for better or worse.

“I didn’t even check.” Buck whispered, and Eddie couldn’t stand the guilt in Buck’s eyes, the slump in his shoulders, the tremor in his hands.

“Buck, you were hurt, you were in shock, you couldn’t be expe-”

“No.”

“What?”

“No.” Buck said again. “ _You_ were hurt, Eddie.”

Eddie’s words died on his lips. 

“I-I couldn’t even think about anything else. After I woke up. I didn’t know where you were but I knew you fell with me and I had to find you, I had to make sure you were okay, to make you okay if I had to.”

Eddie didn’t know what to say to that. It was suddenly a little hard to breathe, as though Buck’s words had a physical weight that had settled heavy atop his chest.

“I was so scared, Eddie,” Buck’s voice broke, and his grip on Eddie’s wrist was crushing. “I was so fucking scared that you were going to die, that you were going to leave me and I was going to be alone for good.”

Buck’s terror was almost a corporeal force, and Eddie felt an answering echo surging inside of him. He remembered, sitting by Shannon in the ambulance as her vital signs collapsed. Standing there by the truck as Buck was pinned, was screaming. _Me and Christopher, we were at the beach._

“And I was trying _so hard_ to keep you awake,” Buck rambled. “to keep you talking, but then _I_ went and… and passed out, and then you were the one telling me to wake up. But then I couldn’t breathe and then I- when I woke up again Chimney was there but you weren’t responding and-”

“Buck, Buck, hey.” Eddie slid onto the floor beside Buck, catching his face with his free hand and forcing Buck to look at him, to hold his gaze. “Buck, breathe.”

Buck was crying, tears rolling from his eyes as he heaved ragged breaths. Eddie pulled his wrist free and grasped Buck’s hand, pressing it to his chest and letting Buck feel the way his chest rose and fell as he took even, measured breaths. He slipped his other hand to the back of Buck’s neck and pressed their foreheads together. Eddie closed his eyes, and slowly, they breathed together, until Buck’s breaths finally evened out.

Eddie opened his eyes, and found Buck staring at him, his blue eyes a steely grey in the darkness. He leaned back, struck by the helplessness in the depths of Buck’s eyes.

“You were dead, Eddie,” Buck’s voice was a soft, broken sound.

“But I came back to you,” Eddie said, slowly, steadily, as though Buck was Chris who had just woken from a nightmare. “I was always going to come back. You saved me, Buck. Death couldn’t keep me away from you, from Chris, from my _family_.”

Buck stared at him, expression unchanging. “Eddie, I... I don’t know how to do this without you.”

“Hey,” Eddie said softly, and pulled Buck into a hug. 

Buck immediately pressed his face against Eddie’s neck, his body a solid warmth against Eddie’s. He curled his arms around Eddie and squeezed like he was never going to let go. 

Eddie held Buck, and pretended he didn’t notice the wetness of tears against his skin.

“Just… don’t go where I can’t follow, okay?” Buck said, his voice muffled against Eddie’s shirt.

“Only if you promise the same,” Eddie said, a sad smile rising to his lips. “Buck, do you know how much I worry about you?”

Buck pulled back, and looked at him with soft, bewildered eyes, like he’d never thought for a moment that Eddie might feel the same way.

“I-I’m sorry-” Buck started.

Or that he thought Eddie was telling him off. Eddie sighed internally. “No, Buck, that’s not wh-”

“Dad? Buck?” Chris’ voice, barely a whisper, was as loud as a gunshot, splitting the moment.

Eddie’s head whipped around to find Chris, standing in the doorway in rumpled pajamas. 

Buck scrambled to wipe at his eyes. “Chris?”

“I… I had a nightmare,” Chris said, voice shaking.

Eddie was up and moving toward his son before he knew what he was doing. “What happened? Hey, do you want to tell me about it?”

Chris pressed his lips together, and looked over at Buck, then at Eddie, eyes wet, before he nodded. “It… It was dark, and… you were sleeping. I kept trying to wake you up but you wouldn’t open your eyes, and you weren’t moving. And then I tried to find Buck but Buck was asleep too. I got really scared.”

There was a rustle of clothing, and Buck was dropping to his knees beside Eddie, one hand reaching out to grasp Chris’ hand. 

“Hey, hey, no, Christopher, I’m right here, okay?” Buck said. In the darkness, it was hard to see the redness in his eyes.

Christopher threw himself into Buck’s arms, and squeezed until it seemed like he was calm again. Then, he looked at Eddie, and said in a small voice: “Can I sleep with you tonight?”

Eddie didn’t have anything left in him to fight it, all he wanted was to have Chris close, have Buck close, for the rest of the night. “Of course, mijo.”

“Buck?” Chris turned toward the man hugging him tight. “Will you stay too?”

Buck glanced over at Eddie, and swallowed when Eddie nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

Christopher was clinging to Buck so hard, Buck simply stood up and carried him to Eddie's bed. Eddie trailed after them, and the three of them arranged themselves so Christopher was bracketed on both sides. Eddie pulled the covers up over them, ignoring the growing soreness in his muscles that told him the pills were wearing off. Christopher almost immediately plastered himself against Eddie, his head pressed against his chest.

“Is that comfortable, mijo?” Eddie laughed, wrapping a careful arm around Christopher’s body, mindful of the weird angle.

“This is good,” Christopher mumbled against Eddie’s shirt. “I can hear your heartbeat.”

Eddie’s words caught in his throat then. On the other side of Chris, Buck’s hand was lax, pressed over Chris’ in a loose hold. And Eddie abruptly remembered the way Buck’s grip had felt around his wrist, remembered the press of Buck’s fingers against his skin, his pulse point.

“Goodnight Daddy, goodnight Bucky.”

“Goodnight,” Eddie murmured. 

“Goodnight,” whispered Buck.

The moon slowly crossed the sky, and beside Eddie, Buck and Chris both drifted into sleep. 

Eddie lay there, wide awake as he stared into the dark, wondering if Buck hadn’t been having the same nightmares all along too.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if anyone is getting the chapter update alerts because all of mine have been going into spam, but uh, hey, if you're reading this, I hope you enjoy this conclusion?
> 
> A huge thanks again to each of you who have left a comment, it means so much to have had your support through this whole journey.

The next morning Christopher was almost vibrating with joy, and far too energized for either Eddie or Buck to handle. Buck was there which meant Buck could make pancakes with the berries and watch the morning cartoons with him, and Eddie was using up all of his limited brainpower just to keep the tiny tornado contained. With Christopher bouncing between them, it was impossible for the two of them to talk about what transpired last night. And then, Buck dropped Christopher off at school and Eddie had to do some cleaning before abuela was arriving for a visit, and Carla was bringing Christopher home and then Buck was on a twenty-four hour shift and by the time Eddie looked up again, it was days later and far too late for him to bring anything up. His memory of that night, layered with his exhaustion at the time and the lack of sleep that followed, was already beginning to take on a surreal quality like he had dreamt it.

Eddie said nothing, and Buck didn’t either. So life returned back to the normal routine, Eddie was focused on getting his fitness back to standard and Buck was busy with extra shifts since the 118 was operating with a man down. From passing mentions and failed attempts at organizing their free time, Eddie also knew Buck was going to therapy. And the fact of it helped Eddie’s silence, made it easier to pretend that he hadn't been about to say something disastrous during one of Buck’s most vulnerable moments.

Time passed. Eddie graduated from physical therapy and went back to training at home, and then, he was almost back to his original form and confident enough to make a stab at recertification. When he passed with flying colours, everyone threw a party, and it was a weird moment of deja-vu when he walked through the front door of Bobby and Athena’s house and everyone broke into cheers. Eddie had been on the other side of the gathering the last time around, and he’d never realized that it could be so thrilling and overwhelming to be on the receiving end. Athena leant in, and told him he wasn’t allowed any medical emergencies in her house with a teasing smile. Eddie burst into laughter as Buck dove forward for the first hug. He spent the evening grinning from ear to ear. 

When he got the date to go back to work, Eddie went out and finally caught up properly with Lena, and didn’t forget to swing by the 136 to thank the team for what they did that night. On Eddie’s first day back there was _another_ party, with the station covered with banners, streamers, and tables laden with food. And then, he was back in the swing of things, going between trapped citizens and fires and medical emergencies, always with his 118 family around him, Buck standing beside him. 

Finally, things were back to the way they should be, and Eddie started to feel normal again.

Which is when it all came crashing down, two weeks after Eddie returned to the 118.

It started out with Chimney making some comment about Maddie and their date night plans. Then people were tossing around ideas about what made a date ‘good’, and whether you had to be dressed up or have spent money for it to even count. Chimney was stressing that a date night could just as easily be pajamas and pizza while Hen made a face about how you should always make an effort. Eddie just thought it depended on your partner and what they enjoyed. From there, the conversation snowballed into a competition about the fanciest dates they’ve ever organized (“Wait, an actual honest-to-god hot-air balloon?”), and then, the weirdest ways they’ve ever been asked out.

“And the place was covered in flowers and balloons, and there was a whole band!” Hen finished, waving her arms in mortification as she finished a story about a persistent admirer who didn’t know how to take no for an answer.

“Wait, that wasn’t even a proposal?” Eddie said, awestruck. Did people out there really think life worked like the movies, and if you just made a grand enough gesture people would always say yes?

“He wanted a date!”

“Did you end up saying yes?” Buck laughed.

“Are you kidding? With that kind of public pressure?” Chimney cut in. “No way Hen would cave.”

“Yeah, you bet I didn’t.” Hen nodded at Chimney, looking offended Buck ever doubted her integrity. “It wasn’t like I said no in the first place because I didn’t think he was serious. I mean, gender aside, we were colleagues!”

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Buck deflated. “It’s so much harder when you also work together. Like, what if it goes wrong? Things will get awkward and then coming to work would be horrible.”

“Wait,” Hen said, “have you dated a colleague before, Buck?”

“Well, no.” Buck made a face. “But I’ve been… sort of asked out by one, I guess?”

“Wait. Wait wait wait, at the 118?” Chimney said, straightening with excitement, his eyes flickered to Eddie.

“Uh…” Buck seemed to realize he’d said too much, and fell into an embarrassed silence which pretty much meant a solid yes.

“Whaaaaat?” Hen gasped.

Eddie frowned. Why had he never heard this? Who was it? He started mentally going through a list of their single colleagues for anyone who had shown any peculiar interest in Buck. Buck was definitely still single and must have said no if Eddie hadn’t heard about this yet, right?

“When did this happen?" Eddie said. "Wait, do they still work here?”

“Well,” Buck shifted awkwardly. “It was… Sort of…”

“Spit it out, Buckley,” Chimney said, far too eager to be polite. But Eddie didn’t come to Buck’s defense, too invested in Buck’s answer himself for reasons he was never going to address.

Weirdly, Buck’s gaze drifted toward Eddie. Eddie raised his eyebrows, hopeful for some sort of explanation.

“I mean, yeah?” Buck said, hesitantly breaking into a goofy smile as his gaze flickered among his friends, before settling on Eddie. “Because it was... _you_? You sort of asked me out on a date.”

The expectant smile froze on Eddie’s lips. “I… did?” 

“I mean you were concussed and completely out of it, but it was pretty sweet, man,” Buck chuckled.

Concussed? Eddie’s heart began to sink as he remembered the one situation when that confession could have happened. Of all the fucking things for him to have forgotten. “What did I say?”

“Oh just how you like, didn’t put out on a first date. How much you loved me, that sort of stuff,” Buck grinned cheekily, eyes crinkling, like a cat that had got the cream.

“Holy shit, when did this happen?” Chimney said with an expression of almost maniacal glee, and Hen was looking between the two of them, eyes like saucers. Eddie kept his expression blank, trying to ignore the way his blood had suddenly turned to ice, that his heart was suddenly trying to beat its way out of his chest.

“Uh… After we fell, during that attempted rappel rescue.” Buck had a confused, bashful smile on his face as he looked toward Chimney. 

Chimney and Hen’s expressions froze, and they exchanged a quick, anxious glance with each other. Eddie clenched his jaw, and tried to control his breathing.

“So is _that_ why you don’t talk about what happened?” Chimney said with forced cheer. “Because you broke poor Eddie’s heart?”

“Yeah. Okay, this is the part where I leave,” Eddie stood up, hurt and cold fury singing in his veins, screaming for him to lash out. He had to get out of here before he did something he couldn’t take back.

“Hey it’s alright,” Buck said. The reassurance in his voice only sounded condescending to Eddie’s ears. “I’m not going to hold it against you. I know you don’t even remember it.”

“That’s great,” Eddie snapped, in a tone no one would mistake for sincere. “Thank you.”

Buck’s eyes widened like he knew he’d just fucked up.

Eddie walked off before he could say anything he’d regret, or, God forbid, Buck would say anything else to make it all worse.

“Wow,” Chimney’s voice sounded behind Eddie. Then there was a clap, like Hen had just slapped him over the head.

  
  


-

  
  


Eddie was still fuming when Buck found him in the locker room later, hunched on a bench, elbows on his knees, head hanging. He was trying desperately, unsuccessfully, to calm himself down. It wasn’t that big of a deal, except it was. The others didn’t mean to be insensitive, except they should have thought better than to act that way. He was supposed to be dealing with his feelings, except he really, clearly, wasn’t. 

He just had to suck it up, and move on from this. Except in that very second, moving on was really fucking hard when all he could think about was the laughter in the others’ voices.

There was the squeak of boots against the floor, and Eddie looked up to find Buck sticking his head through the doorway, looking at Eddie with wide, uncertain eyes. Eddie met his gaze, closed his eyes, then sighed as he turned away, realizing that this was a conversation that needed to happen whether Eddie wanted it or not.

His reaction only encouraged Buck to walk in, and stiffly sit down across from Eddie.

“Hey,” Buck said, watching him with his kicked-puppy eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“No, look, it’s fine,” Eddie said. “I’m over it.” He needed himself to be over it.

“I just… I didn’t mean to embarrass you.” Buck said softly. “I didn’t even think. I mean, no one thought you were serious. Concussions make people say all sorts of weird things. No one out there thinks less of you.”

It was such an easy out that Buck offered, and all Eddie had to do was take it, laugh his reaction off as nothing more than embarrassment. But he couldn’t do this anymore, couldn’t lie to himself, to Buck, to everyone around him. Not when his facade was apparently so damn fragile that a moment like this felt like heartbreak. He’d spent so much effort ignoring the way he felt that he never noticed just how close everything was to the surface. And now that he saw it, he realized that he didn’t have the strength left in him to push all of it back down.

“Look, I don’t care if anyone thinks less of me for something like this,” Eddie said quietly, watching as confusion flickered across Buck’s eyes. 

Eddie looked around the room, trying to work up the courage to just say the words and be done with it. “It’s just… I’m in love with you, alright?”

Buck froze, and It’d be comical if it wasn’t for the fact that Eddie felt vaguely like he was about to cry. This was not where he’d wanted to end up when he’d started his day.

“I’ve been in love with you since… what? Before the tsunami? Before the truck blew up. I don’t even know when.” Once the words came out, it was hard to stop. “And for years I’ve been trying to deal with that, to keep things quiet, to not let it get in the way of our friendship, and now it’s out there and it’s… a goddamn _joke_ to the rest of you guys.”

Eddie wished he didn’t sound so hurt, so raw and heartbroken. But it had been something he’d so preciously guarded, something he’d only let himself think about in his darkest, loneliest moments. And for it to be ripped out like this for everyone to mock and laugh at. He couldn’t deal with that.

Buck’s mouth opened, then closed again.

“And wanting you. That’s… never been _funny_ to me. So… I’m sorry. I overreacted.” Eddie said, barely able to make eye contact with Buck as he swallowed down his growing embarrassment. “It’s fine if you don’t feel the same but I just… need a bit of time to work through it, okay? You don’t- You don’t need to worry about me.”

Buck just stared at him, silent, like a deer frozen in the headlights.

Eddie waited for Buck to say something, to maybe start laughing, to make Eddie take it back, or maybe, tell him everything was okay and that Buck wasn’t going to run away because Eddie had gone and spilled his unwanted feelings all over the floor. But all Buck did was keep staring at him, as though Eddie admitting that he loved him was the most unfortunate thing he could have said that day.

“Good talk,” Eddie said, when he couldn’t stand his own embarrassment any longer. He stood up and began to leave, feeling even more humiliated than he had when he’d first fled into the locker room.

“Wait.” Buck suddenly spoke. “Wait, Eddie.”

Eddie just walked away faster, desperate to clear his head.

  
  


-

  
  


The migraine hit Eddie an hour later, a constant, throbbing pain in his head that made him want to curl up somewhere dark and not come out again. Focusing on anything else was impossible, and not ten minutes after it hit Eddie caved and asked Bobby if he could take his last few hours off. It had been a quiet day, and he was close enough to the end of his shift to not feel like a complete dick for abandoning ship.

A look of alarm crossed Bobby’s face when he made the request, and Eddie would have taken his words back if he hadn’t been in agonizing pain, and if Bobby hadn’t almost immediately said yes. Bobby had promised, back when Eddie first returned to work, that he could take things as slow as he needed and leave early if he was ever not feeling well. This was the first time Eddie had ever taken him up on the offer.

Eddie grabbed nothing except his phone and keys, and slipped away as quietly as he could, hiding from Buck and not wanting to deal with the rest of the team’s concern. Not after the first round of humiliation he’d already gone through that day. Driving with that much pain and blurred vision was not the wisest idea, but Eddie was feeling just a little bit self-destructive, and all he wanted was to get home, crawl into bed, and wallow for a few hours before he had to get back up and face the trainwreck that was his life.

On nothing but luck, Eddie made it home with only one close-call on the road and stumbled through the front door. Inside, he downed some pills, stripped off his clothes, and fell into bed, thankful that Chris would be spending his time after school at abuela’s. He fell asleep praying that he’d have enough time to return to a functioning state before he had to go and pick Chris up.

He woke, sometime, in the dark, the pain was now just light, throbbing tension in his head. Someone was pounding at the door, and Eddie heaved a sigh when he recognized the rhythm of it. Buck.

Eddie pressed his face into the pillow and thought about ignoring it, right up until he heard the jangle of keys, and the click of his lock. Then he started regretting ever giving Buck keys to his house in the first place. But it was just like Buck to check in on him after a bad day. Eddie hated that he wasn’t even surprised, though some part of him had thought maybe, just maybe, Buck would stop coming over now.

With a sigh, Eddie pushed himself up, and rubbed his hand over his face, switching on the bedside light as he listened to Buck’s footsteps going through the house as he searched for Eddie. He didn’t think about how he looked, shirtless, exhausted, his hair messy from sleep, until Buck was standing in his doorway and staring at him in surprise. 

There was a moment of silence, and Eddie, too tired to speak, or even think in that very second, just raised an eyebrow at Buck.

“Cap said you weren’t feeling well,” Buck said.

“Just a headache,” Eddie said. Buck was blocking the door and Eddie couldn’t get out. “Nothing some painkillers and sleep couldn’t fix.”

Buck sagged with visible relief. “You… weren’t answering my calls.”

“Sorry, it must have ran out of power.” Eddie had left his phone on the kitchen counter, and had no idea if his words were even true.

“Right.” Buck looked down, then glanced around him at the dark and silent house. “Where’s Christopher?”

Eddie glanced at his bedside table, sighing at the late hour showing on the clock. “Abuela’s. I was supposed to go pick him up but…” Eddie stood up, and shrugged, letting the time speak for itself.

Buck stared at him for a dumbstruck moment, before he seemed to finally realize that Eddie couldn’t get out of his room, and shuffled aside.

On a different day it would be endearing, but now Eddie was weighing up the practicality of just kicking Buck out of his house. He didn’t want to deal with this today, not now. Eddie walked past Buck toward the dark kitchen, and grit his teeth when he heard the sound of Buck’s footsteps, trailing after him.

Inside the kitchen, Eddie picked up his phone from the counter, squinting at the bright display to find that he’d switched it to Do Not Disturb mode at some point. He had eight new messages and five missed calls, almost all of them from Buck. Abuela had texted telling him to get some rest, and that Chris could stay at her's that night. 

“Are… you hungry?” Buck said, standing stiffly in the doorway behind Eddie, his face barely lit by light from the outside. He looked like he was ready to dive for the fridge if Eddie said yes.

Eddie sighed. “Buck, what are you doing here?”

Buck's shoulders slumped. “I wanted to check…” Whatever he was about to say, he seemed to abruptly change his mind. “Can we… talk about what happened? What you said?”

“What is there to tal-”

“I’m in love with you too.” Buck said in a rush, eyes wide.

Eddie froze. He stared into Buck’s face, waiting for him to break into laughter, or to backtrack and tell him he didn’t mean it. But the only thing he saw was the same earnest sincerity Buck always wore, that Eddie had fallen in love with the first place.

“What. Why-” Eddie stammered as rage suddenly burst across his vision. “Wait, why have you never said anything? You’ve _known_ how I feel since the accident!”

“I didn’t think you meant it!”

Eddie was struck speechless at the ridiculousness of Buck’s words.

“Look, I told you. You were concussed, confused, hell, you thought I was _Frank_ at one point when I was trying to tell you I love you.”

Not for the first time, Eddie clawed at his memories, desperate to know if Buck was telling the truth or not. But he knew that he would probably never remember. Had Buck really told him that? 

“And then you were… in hospital, the doctors were saying they didn’t know if you were going to wake up, and then when you did wake up you didn’t even remember anything you said. What was I going to do? Corner you about feelings while your legs were in casts and you couldn’t even run away?”

“Well… yeah?” Eddie said, bewildered. 

Buck gave him a look like he thought Eddie was being stupid. Then, he sighed, eyes flickering. “And then I just… I couldn’t. I just assumed that… you must have thought I was Ana or something.”

Eddie frowned.

“And I almost… I almost told you, that night, after that family visited. But then all I could think about was how important you were to me and how I couldn’t lose you and that if I told you but it turned out you didn’t mean it and…”

There was so much fear in Buck’s words, and Eddie couldn’t ignore the way Buck hunched his shoulders, and held his arms tight against his body like he was trying to make himself a smaller target against whatever Eddie might unleash upon him. Yet in that split-second, the fact of it was simply incomprehensible to Eddie. What reason could Buck have to fear him? Buck was joy, was light, was happiness, and he attracted everyone around him, so endlessly loving and deserving of love it was a miracle he was still single. Eddie should be the one terrified, he should be the one running for cover. Because there would be nothing left of Eddie if Buck ever turned away from him. If he ever saw Eddie with all his jagged, broken pieces of himself and realized that he deserved someone better.

Yet somehow Buck was scared. Of Eddie. As though Eddie had that same power to hurt him; as though Eddie’s rejection could just as easily destroy him as it would the other way around; as though Buck...

As though Buck had always loved him back. 

Eddie wondered, then, how he hadn’t seen it before now. Or perhaps he’d always seen it, but had been too much of a coward to let himself believe it. To let himself think about what it might mean if someone like Buck could love someone as messed up as he was. What it meant if Buck thought Eddie might be someone he wanted. That despite all of his past mistakes, that maybe Eddie could still be someone who actually deserved all the love Buck had to give.

“You’re an idiot.” Eddie said, and he wasn’t sure who he was addressing.

Buck stared at him, eyes wide and lost.

“I’m an idiot,” Eddie added, staring around at his kitchen. 

“Eddie?”

Eddie couldn’t meet Buck’s eyes, knowing he’d lose all of his courage if he looked and saw the sympathy and concern waiting for him there. Eddie had never been good with words, but he needed Buck to _understand_. He couldn’t screw this up. Because before tonight Eddie had already said I love you over and over and in more ways than one yet Buck had never believed it. And now that he thought about it, Buck had said the same, yet Eddie had never truly heard it. And this time, he needed there to be no uncertainty between them. Buck had to _know_. He grasped for the right words.

“That couple’s family,” Eddie said. “They found me too, afterward, you know?”

Confusion, then worry, flickered across Buck’s face.

“They said thank you. And I... I had nothing to offer them. I didn’t even remember what happened, what their names were. I couldn’t have recognized their faces if you’d shown me a photo.”

“Eddie…” Buck’s face fell, and he inched forward, raising a hand toward him that froze in midair, uncertain, like he wanted to pull Eddie into a hug, but wasn’t sure if he was allowed. 

“I told them that. And… they were so gracious.” Eddie continued with a choked laugh. “They told me… the same things, probably, as they told you. And then, before they left, the mother… She told me something.”

Buck watched him, stiff, unsure. 

“She said that at the end of it all, she was just glad that… that they went together.”

Something broke in Buck’s expression, and Eddie didn’t know if he had been told the same thing. And if he had, whether it had meant the same.

Eddie took a breath. He had to say this, say it now or he was probably going to die with these words unspoken.

“And the thing was," he said. "In that moment the only thing I could think about was... how you could have died down there. If things had been just a little different. I could have woken up, alone. You would be gone and I would have no idea how any of it even happened. And instead of having to live in that world I would rather have just died in that ravine _with_ you.” It had been instinct, born of a moment of raw, imagined grief, and he hadn’t even thought about Chris until after the thought had came and went. Then, he’d only felt guilty after.

Buck’s eyes grew even wider. “Eddie-”

“And I think…” Eddie kept talking before he completely lost his nerve, blinking back the wetness in his eyes. “Maybe that’s what kept me alive? You know? The fact that you never left, not while I was bleeding out in that ravine, not when I was in a coma, when no one was even sure if I was going to wake up again, not even after, not even now. You never left my side.”

Buck drew a sharp breath, his shoulders stiffening, and there was something shining in his eyes.

“You were what kept me alive, Buck.” Eddie stared at Buck, begging him to understand. “Even back when I was trapped underground, it was the memories of you, of Chris, of _our_ family, that kept me going. The two of you, not _leaving_ you, it was _all_ I could think about. You kept me alive, Buck. The fact that you loved - love - me, that you were waiting for me." And he was always going to fight tooth and nail to get back to the people he loved.

Buck stared at him, mouth open, eyes wide, and Eddie had never seen him look so helpless, so scared.

So hopeful.

“I love you, Evan,” Eddie said, praying that this time, he’d left no room for misunderstanding. “And it’s not a joke, not a phase, not a moment of weakness. And... it might just be vanity talking but I think… I think you might have already known that, even before the accident happened.”

Buck’s expression flickered with something like shame, like surprise, someone not expecting to be caught in their secret.

“And... I think I’ve always known that you loved me back.” Eddie said. “I’ve just been too much of a coward to let myself believe it.” Been too much of a coward to risk his heart again, to give someone else the power to hurt him, after everything that had happened with Shannon.

But this was Buck. Buck who would hurt himself first before he let anything happen to Eddie, or to Christopher. The tsunami, the lawsuit, the fall, all the moments in the days and weeks around and in between. It was all so clear now. And Eddie had never felt so _stupid_ for the lack of faith he’d had in them both. 

Now that he finally understood, Buck had to know that Eddie loved him, in every way that Buck loved him too.

“Can I please kiss you now?” Buck said, his voice shaking.

Eddie laughed, he moved forward and grabbed Buck’s shirt, but Buck was already surging toward him. Their lips met, and it was sparking electricity, giddy delight, a smouldering fire finally brought roaring to life. Nothing else in the world was ever going to feel as right as the two of them, in the here and now, pressed together with the promise of forever.

Their first kiss was like coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \o/

**Author's Note:**

> Any words or comments you may have would be very greatly appreciated. They are fuel and brain food for the writer.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr at [ingu](http://ingu.tumblr.com/) where I remain in Buddie hell.


End file.
